06/20 - Ramble On...


Alright dudes and dudettes! Welcome to this special Father’s Day edition of Metal Master’s Weak in Review . There’s lots of high jinks and horseplay to get to, so let’s get this party started!


Frankie Goes To Hollywood during their heyday. The band is a personal favorite of the King's.

My ears are already ringing from the bitching and complaining about the opening music to this WIR. However, farbeit from me to deny the King a request! Relax, don't do it, indeed. But I digress. Onto the show, shall we?

The King made a huge announcement to start off the broadcast. The show is going back to a 4-hour format! As you may or may not recall, the King yielded to corporate interests and slashed the show down to 3 hours in hopes of syndicating the program. The Loyal Subjects revolted and got the hour back. Hmmm. See if you can find the paradox in the previous sentence. But I digress.


Don’t we all!

This week's broadcast set a record for most amount of talk and least amount of music played. While the King rambled on aimlessly as he normally does, his interview with Dangerous Toys/Broken Teeth frontman Jason McMaster produced so much hot air I thought my computer monitor was going to float away. But I digress.


King Hesh just loves the way McMaster holds a microphone.

What we learned about Jason McMaster:

1) Jason is a windbag. His interview lasted over 50 minutes, and could've gone longer!

2) He's currently working at Encore Movies and Music. He said they have a great metal section. It turns out that his job there is more lucrative than going on tour. Special bonus - he was on the clock when he called!

3) Jason was asked by Loyal Subject Fitzroy James Dio if he was going to grow a moustache. McMaster was adamant that he wouldn't cultivate a butt broom.

4) Dangerous Toys never broke up. They still do reunion gigs from time to time, but the whole band has day jobs that pay better than touring.

5) If money weren't an issue, Jason would like to do a summer tour with Bang Tango, Junkyard, Salty Dog, and Rhino Bucket.

6) Yes, the Queen did get around to asking Jason about the size of his love muscle. The King listened with all of his being, hoping to learn the secrets of McMaster's private parts. However, Jason sidestepped the question with a vague reference to the Metal Sludge Penis Chart. Donna Anderson's scouting report is as follows:

"Jason is average size, and has fire red pubic hair! His voice might not be the best, but he sure can fuck!"

The interview was a lot of fun. Look out for Jason at a Broken Teeth show, a Dangerous Toys reunion gig, or at an Encores Movie and Music store near you!

Yes Hesh-A-Lites, now is the moment you've been waiting for. It's time for the Loyal Sausage Page Update!


Nothing new to report, as the page is still all sausage, all the time. However, I couldn't help but notice that this picture reminds me of a steamer I left in the bog yesterday. But I digress.

Heshology proved to be another yawner this week. Mokadeth, CALM ,and yours truly correctly guessed that Trixter was the band played in round 1. Mok was the only one that named Gorky Park as the band in round 2. Mok joined the rest of us in futility in round 3, as all participants got it wrong. "That's totally heinous, dudes", stated the King after stumping the Assembled Masses.

Current standings for June:

1) Mokadeth - 36 rungs

2) KrokusIsBack - 16 rungs

3) CALM - 12 rungs
The Metal Master - 12 rungs

After last month's stunning loss at my hands (yielding a 27 rung lead), Mokadeth should change his name to Chokadeth. But I digress.


And now, a word from our sponsor. This Metal Master’s King Hesh (and Queen Hesh!) Weak in Review is brought to you by the new summer box office smash Stacheman Returns!




King Hesh, romantic lead of “Stacheman Returns”.

Awwwwwwriiiiiight, dudes! The King is going to do a shameless plug, dudes! This is the totally bitchin’ summer movie hit that all Hesh-A-Lites have been waiting for, dudes! Stacheman and his trusty companion Vod, the Boy Blunder take on the Riddler and Two-Face in Stacham City, dudes. Fitzroy James Dio rules as Stacheman, dudes! When the Stache Signal is activated, nothing can stop him! Mike Vod takes on his most challenging role yet as the Boy Blunder, dudes! The Boy Blunder is a chronic masturbator that has problems keeping the Vod Shot from hitting his moustache, dudes! Will the Riddler become a victim of the Vod Shot, dudes? Will Two-Face get 2 Vod Shots, dudes? And how many Vod Shots will I, King Hesh take, dudes? I won’t spoil it here, dudes. “Stacheman Returns” is now playing in a theater near you, dudes! Check it out, dudes!

And now, back to Metal Master’s King Hesh (and Queen Hesh!) Weak in Review.



Why is this picture of Diggs here? First of all, the picture rocks. Second and most importantly, I’d like to take a moment and give credit to Diggs for taking my Stacheman idea and using his digital wizardry to make it happen. Thanks, Diggs!

Time to get back to the action. No show would be complete without the Queen awarding the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak. Who won it, you ask?



Felicitations are in order for Atomic PoP, who earned the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak. How did he earn it, you ask? It beats the hell out of me. However, Atomic PoP was one of the more vocal Loyal Subjects in the chatroom as Queen Hesh flashed her jugs for all to see. Atomic PoP last participated in the show about 18 months ago. Hopefully, his next visit will be sooner. However, he has shown up enough times to post his picture on the Loyal Sausage page. Caz Kingston would be proud! But I digress.

It’s time for me to aspire to more noble pursuits. However, I do feel obligated to name the Poseur of the Weak before I call it a day. Without further ado, the Poseur of the Weak is none other than…



Mike Vod, he of Yahoo Masturbation Group fame!

Mikey did show up in the chatroom, and has become one of the more Loyal Subjects in the Kingdom of Hesh. However, Mikey gets this award for the fan mail I’ve been receiving from him via e-mail. His latest correspondence (complete and unabridged) deals with some comments I made on the LVRocks message board, and is as follows:

The 'Stache has become famous strictly through Vod's spamming efforts to get
METAL REIGNS recognized. And possibly with invitations to his masturbation
group. After terrorizing people's inboxes, there's bound to be some retribution.
Fortunately, it's been good-natured to this point. HEY METAL MASTER........you
ought to knock off the crap,i thought you were cool,,i was triing to tell people
about lvrocks and metalreigns...aussie took it and turned it into a joke,,,have
a nice day

I just love the spelling and grammar in that one! At least he had the common decency to cut and paste my quote. Ironically, his e-mails have been showing up in my junk e-mail folder. How appropriate. And I don’t digress.

Well Hesh-A-Lites, that wraps up yet another Weak in Review. Tune in next week to hear what former Dokken bassist Jeff Pilson has to say! Tune in to see if Mokadeth or Chokadeth will show up! Tune in to see if Mike Vod will win his third Poseur of the Weak award, which would give him an automatic berth in the Poseur of the Year qualifier!

This is yours truly, The Reverend Master E. Wicked, your Poet Laureate, the Shakespeare of the new millennium, the most electrifying man on LVRocks today, reporting live from the Moustache Capital of the World. C-ya next week!