06/12 - June 11: Have Metal 'Stache. Will Travel


Salutations to all of you out there who make up the Kingdom of Hesh. Whether you consider yourself part of the Assembled Masses or Assembled Asses, or whether you consider yourself part of the Loyal Subjects or Loyal Sausages, this magnum opus of repugnant prose is put to paper to amuse, enlighten, abuse, and heighten the awareness of the week that was in the court of King and Queen Hesh. While my huge ego inspires me to continue bloviating, I will spare you the excesses of further flowery flourishes of languid linguistics in this preface and get right to transcribing the events that happened (or not) in this latest edition of Metal Master's Weak in Review. In the words of the immortal Marvin Gaye, let's get it on!


David Coverdale gives a live interpretation of how to "Slide It In".

For the first time ever, King Hesh actually started 1 minute early! The show started just as Ronald Reagan's funeral services concluded. It was only fitting that King Hesh paid him a tribute, since Reagan was the president during the Era of Hair. The King played a pastiche of Reagan sound clips, and proceeded to give the Gipper one last bong rip for the road.


We'll miss you, Dutch. Rest in Peace.

The Hesh-A-Lites were subjected to yet another splendid array of killer tunes. The King played a premium playlist of rambling rockers, molten metal, and Bic-lighter quality ballads. Bands from Ratt to Slayer to the Scorpions were represented. He even went deep into the archives, pulling out a moldy oldie from Def Leppard's "On Through the Night" LP. The douche bag even played a plethora of requests for the Assembled Masses, although he refused to acknowledge any of my choices. You'd think with all of the time I spend writing these entertaining WIRs he'd at least have the common courtesy to play one damn request. I hereby flip the metal finger at you, King Pole Smoker. And I don't digress.

The chatroom was full of all of the usual (as well as the unusual) suspects. The conversation was lively, featuring such diverse topics as Fleetwood Mac, Ronald Reagan, and why the chatroom topic was listed as "Have metal moustache, will travel." Making a rare appearance was loyal listener Caz, who tuned in for his 3rd show in 3 years. Now that's dedication! Mike Vod and his classic maniacal German dictator styled 'stache also showed up. Both Vod and his 'stache were stoked that the King played his Bon Jovi request.


In Vod We Trust. Special thanks to Scythe for the artwork.

After doing 2 interviews in the previous 3 years, King Hesh managed to pull off his second killer interview in the past 2 weeks! Black 'N' Blue founding member and current Warrant vocalist Jaime St. James called in and let the King, the Queen, and the Hesh-A-Lites bombard him with a bevy of questions.


Jaime St. James prepares for his interview with King Hesh.

What we learned about Jaime St. James:

1) Current Kiss guitarist Tommy Thayer formed Black 'N' Blue with Jaime in Portland, Oregon. Just think, had they waited a few years and worn flannel shirts, they'd be grunge gods today! But I digress.

2) Gene Simmons ripped off the riff to "Nasty Nasty" for use on the Kiss classic "Domino". Gene ripping someone off to make some cash? No way! (Note: the previous 2 sentences were dripping with sarcasm. But I digress. Again.)

3) Audible in the intro to "Nasty Nasty" are 2 distinct spitting sounds. Jaime hocked the first loogy, while Gene Simmons followed it up by spitting into a McDonald's cup. Nasty indeed!

4) Jaime played Heshology and got 2 out of correct. Heaven's Edge was the band he couldn't identify.

5) Jaime loves being in Warrant. Although confident that he'll be in the band for a while, he's fully aware that Jani Lane could take back his spot at any time.

6) Unlike Michael Hannon, Jaime is shy about sharing his cock size. His answer to the Queen's cock question was, "There is plenty to go around." He also claimed that, "Everyone is happily satisfied." When the Queen followed up with a question about the girth of his member, he stammered. This leads one to believe that Jaime may rival his former bandmate Tommy Thayer in this regard.



Donna Anderson at Metal Sludge gave her 2 cents on Thayer. "Dude's got nice hair, but his cock is so small crabs could use it as a flagpole. He can go quite a while, but that's probably because his dick isn't hitting your pussy walls. Tommy will call you the next day and hang around after he's done boning you. I guess that's cause he has to make up for lacking in size!"

Enough of the small talk. Jaime was a good sport during the interview, and be sure to check him out live with Warrant!

I know you've read this far for one reason. It's not for my amusing anecdotes and satirical insights into the week's events. It's all about the Loyal Sausage Page Update!


You have to respect how Diggs keeps the Loyal Sausage page neatly arranged.

Heshology provided all of the excitement that is normally associated with an old folk's home. Yours truly, Mok, CALM, and KrokusisBack correctly guessed that Lita Ford was the snippet played in round 1. Mok and KiB were the only ones that correctly answered Shotgun Messiah in round 2. Everyone was stumped in round 3. Once again, the Assembled Masses were treated with disdain. "You all suck!", stated the King.

Current standings for June:

Mokadeth - 24 rungs
KrokusisBack - 16 rungs
CALM - 8 rungs
The Metal Master - 8 rungs



And now, a word from our sponsor. This King Hesh (and Queen Hesh!) Weak in Review is brought to you by Mike Vod and his Yahoo Masturbation Group!







King Hesh: He's not only a member, he's also a client.

Awwwwwwwriiiiiiiiight dudes! The King has gone deep for yet another bitchin' sponsor, dudes. I'm proud to bring onboard Mike Vod's Yahoo Masturbation Group as the latest sponsor, dudes! I've been a member of this group for as long as I can remember, dudes. This group has lots of members, dude. Get it? Members? HA HA! This is a free group, dudes! We can do the 5-knuckle shuffle all the time, dudes. This is a members only group, dudes! WOO HOO! I'm really cracking myself up today, dudes. Join today and learn all about the Vod Shot, dudes! Do you Yahoo? I do, dudes!

And now, back to Metal Master's Weak in Review.

It just seems that a King Hesh show wouldn't be complete without a phone call from the Kingdom of Hesh Info Dude, which we were fortunate enough to be privy to this week.



In between lame Ronald Reagan impersonations, the Info Dude warned King Hesh about the newest and latest threat to the Kingdom. What is that threat, you say? The Info Dude stated that the formerly vanquished METAL REIGNS was back on the air. King Hesh sounded shocked, but he shouldn't have been. METAL REIGNS has only been back on the air for the last month or so. But I digress.

I'd make a big deal over the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak, but Mok won it. Yawn. Way to go, dude! It's been awhile! I'd post a picture of Mok here, except the most loyal of the Loyal Subjects hasn't submitted a picture for publication. Get with the program, Mok!

It's time for me to get the hell out of Dodge. But before I do, the Poseur of the Weak is awarded to none other than DynoDon!


Where art thou, DD?

Don gets the award for being on the Loyal Sausage page but not showing up for the last few weeks in chat. Maybe this prestigious award will give Don the nudge he needs to participate again. Not likely, but it's worth a shot, eh?

Tune in next week to hear what Dangerous Toys lead singer Jason McMaster has to say! Tune in to see if the King will play any of my requests! Tune in to see if METAL REIGNS resurgence has the King quaking in his boots!


This is yours truly, The Metal Master and Commander, your Poet Laureate, Prince Hesh for the months of April and May, the most electrifying man on LVRocks without a mustache, reporting live from the gutter. C-ya!