06/5 - June 4: Sausage, 'Stache, and Salty Dog


Welcome dudes and dudettes to the latest and greatest incarnation of Metal Master's Weak in Review. There's much to report this week, so I'll skip my normally indulgent opening paragraph and get straight to the events! Let's rock!

This was perhaps the most important show in King Hesh history. Then again, that's like saying your last bowel movement was the most important one you've ever had. But I digress.



For the first time, the show was simulcast on Canada's very own http://www.Radio306.com. A royal welcome to our friends north of the border! For the uninitiated, Canada is home to such metal luminaries as Annihilator, Anvil, and Lee Aaron. Plus, Canadians love beer! Sounds like a great place to me, although I'm a bit leery of Quebec. But I digress.

Oh Canada indeed...

The chatroom was insane this week! This was the busiest chatroom in recent memory, and featured Scythe, Mike Vod, SmashtheBitchHard, Shawn, morpheus, Sergeant Preston, and all of the other usual suspects. Topics of discussion ranged from music, to the Stanley Cup, to beer, to Vod's mustache.

The King invited former Salty Dog and current American Dog bassist Michael Hannon for an on-air interview. Much to my surprise, he actually showed up. Let me tell ya, it was one of the most amusing interviews I've ever heard. I learned all I ever wanted to know about Mr. Hannon...and even more I didn't want to know.


What we learned about Michael Hannon:

1) He loved the Queens rack.
2) The French love his new band American Dog. (I wouldn't go around bragging about that, buddy. But I digress.)
3) He loves talking politics.
4) He knows his hair metal. The King threw 5 snippets at him, which he answered correctly. Nice job!
5) He's not shy about sharing his cock size. "I'm an average man, around 6 inches long," Hannon said, in response to Queen Hesh's question about his member. King Hesh was pissed that the Queen beat him to the punch.

I guess that last point is the perfect segue way to the latest Loyal Sausage page update.



As you can tell, the sausage party is still in full effect. I'm blown away by how popular this segment has become. SmacktheBitchHard, a knowledgeable hair metal/AOR connoisseur from Down Under, read my WIR for the first time, and immediately commented about the sausage. Go figure.

Heshology was once again full of drama and surprises. Mokadeth, CALM, KrokusIsBack, and yours truly correctly guessed the first round snippet, which was Poison. Ironically, pOiSoNsToNe incorrectly guessed that it was Motley Crue. Mok was the only one to correctly guess round 2, which was a super weak tune by Kix. Truly horrible stuff. The King was proud of himself in round 3, as he stumped the Assembled Masses.

Standings for June:

Mokadeth - 8 rungs
CALM - 4 rungs
KrokusIsBack - 4 rungs
The Metal Master - 4 rungs

Prince Hesh for the month of June wins this classic Quiet Riot CD pictured below!


However, Heshology wasn't done. Due to technical difficulties in last week's show, Prince Hesh for May had not yet been decided. The King remedied the situation by playing another round 3. The only combatants with a chance to win it were Mok and yours truly. Mok missed it, but yours truly correctly guessed that XYZ was the band featured in the snippet. I win! Farbeit for me to gloat, but Mok did another one of his patented Mok-A-Chokes by blowing a 27 rung lead. Yours truly has won Heshology for 2 months straight! My greatness (not to mention my modesty) has no bounds. But I digress.


And now, a word from our sponsor. This King Hesh (and Queen Hesh!) Weak in Review is brought to you by the fine folks at Rawk Hudson's Hose Works.



King Hesh, Uncompensated Endorser
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If you buy a hose from Rawk Hudson's Hose Works in the next month, the King will included a free one month supply of enemas and anal lube, dudes. Act now, dudes!

And now, back to Metal Master's Weak in Review.

The King's expertise is not limited to massive hoses. He also likes massive horses. Believe it or not, King Hesh actually likes to bet on horse races. His pick for the Belmont Stakes?

Yup, you guessed it. It was Rock Hard Ten. Although Rock Hard Ten finished out of the money, the King was still happy to support the horse, saying (and I quote), "Rock Hard Ten isn't just a horse, dude. It's a way of life for me, dude! I love rock hard tens, dude!"



For those that use the WIR exclusively for their news, I feel compelled to share that Ronald Reagan, America's 40th president, died today. Whether you love him, hate him, or were indifferent to him, there's no denying his place in history. Who can forget the time he was kidding around with a microphone on, and put the Soviet Union on nuclear alert? Now that's power!

The demise of the Metallicunt of the Weak has brought about a new segment to King Hesh - The Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!) Instead of overdosing on old-school Metallica, it's now time for Mandatory Maiden. The Assembled Masses will get to pick from 3 different Iron Maiden CDs. The King will then play 3 bitchin' tunes from the winning CD. How cool is that? UP THE IRONS!

Lots of other stuff happened, but since I'm putting the "free" in free enterprise for my efforts, it's about time for me to bail out. However, before I jump out of the plane, I do have 2 more events that are worthy of reporting. And just why are they worthy of reporting, you ask? That's an easy one. It's because I'm the central figure in these news blurbs. But I digress.

The Queen didn’t hesitate in announcing the winner of the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak. She awarded it to...

Yes, your Poet Laureate got the nod for mounting a stunning comeback in Heshology and winning the month of May. It's a beautiful thing to get props from my peeps. But I digress.

Last but certainly not least, it's time to award The Poseur of the Weak. This was an easy decision. Felicitations to none other than Mike Vod for earning the POTW!

Long live the 'stache!

Mike gets the award for the following infractions:

1) For attempting to hijack yours truly's nick in the chatroom. He fooled no one, as his unintelligible sentences gave him away.
2) For nurturing interesting facial hair. Jumpin' Jack 'Stache!
3) For having his own Yahoo! masturbation chat group. No, I didn't make that one up. I guess that was the inspiration for the METAL REIGNS segment known as the...

But I digress.

Wow, what week! This was truly one of the better shows in recent memory. Tune in next week to hear the interview with new Warrant vocalist Jaime St. James! Tune in to see whether the King or the Queen asks Jaime about the size of his member! Tune in to see if the Hesh Terrorist Network takes the King off the air!

This is yours truly, Prince Hesh for the months of April and May, your Poet Laureate, the most electrifying man on LVRocks today, reporting all the news that’s unfit to print. This has been a real blast! C-ya next week!