05/29 - May 28: Tech Glitches Spur HCC Probe


Lemme holla atcha playa! Yes my brothers and sisters, I'm back to pimpin' the prose to all you ho's. Big ups to the Hesh-A-Lites! Let's get the funk out on this mackin' edition of Metal Master's Weak in Review!

"Green is for the money and gold is for the honey" - the Archbishop Don Magic Juan

I can already hear all of you player haters out there dissin' my homey Don. The Archbishop was the pre-eminent love distributor of his time, and truly an elevated player. Don't hate the player. Hate the game. But I digress.

The Assembled Masses were treated to an abbreviated version of King Hesh - The Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!) this week, as technical problems plagued the program. In my exclusive interview with Michael C. Clopps at the Hesh Communication Commission, Clopps stated that the show started 7 minutes late, and ended 90 minutes early. The HCC are currently investigating the causes of the technical glitches. If the King and Queen are found guilty of negligence, heavy fines will be levied by the HCC.

Here at the WIR we aspire to be fair, and present both sides of the story. The Kingdom of Hesh Info Dude declined an invitation to be interviewed by yours truly, but did send this short press release:

Praises be to King Hesh! The King Hesh show started on time. There were no technical difficulties. The show did not end early. The HCC are lying every day. They are lying always, and mainly they are lying to their public opinion. They will try to enter the Kingdom of Hesh, and I think this is where their graveyard will be. King Hesh will roast their ball sacks on a spit in hell! This criminal (Clopps) in the HCC is a stupid criminal. After we finish defeating all of those animals we will disclose that with facts and figures. We are winning the war, and it is my firm belief that we will win the war.

There you have it, Hesh-A-Lites. I report - you decide! But I digress.

It's now time for a segment that has recently become one of the more popular parts of my WIR. Yes, you guessed it. It's time for the Loyal Subjects page update! Which will be known henceforth as the Loyal Sausage page update.

I work my ass off on these Weak in Reviews. I spend hours finding sound files, pictures, and coming up with witty lines. However, people only want to talk about the latest sausage picture that I posted. I shudder to think what that says about my audience. But I digress.

There's actually a new Loyal Subject on the Loyal Sausage page. Yes, it's the rarely seen studio rat known as Caz_Kingston. While the Loyal Sausage page still has yet to feature a woman who willfully submitted her picture, LVRocks resident web guru Jimmy Diggs remedied the situation by changing his own picture to feature him with a very naked female. Nice touch, Diggs!

I will once again appeal to the female members of the Assembled Masses to submit their picture for posting on the Loyal Sausage page. Send a nice photograph to diggs@lvrocks.com. Thank you for your consideration.

Part 3 of my investigation into the Kingdom of Hesh has yielded much fruit. Literally. The King's gay lover has been exposed!

This guy is a member of King Hesh's cornhole clique, otherwise known as the Assembled Asses, and signs into the chatroom as "Butt Pirate". Be careful, Hesh-A-Lites, as he is always looking to plunder more booty. But I digress. Again.

This King Hesh (and Queen Hesh!) Weak in Review is brought to you by:


King Hesh, Uncompensated Endorser

Awwwwwwwwwrrrriiiiiight, duuuuuudes! The King has once again secured a bitchin' sponsor for the WIR, dudes. Boudreaux's Butt Paste is a wonderful product, dudes! This cream has Zinc Oxide with Peruvian Balsam, for its healing and cell regeneration properties, dudes. It's pure healing for my ravaged bunghole, dudes! It also contains Boric Acid for its anti-fungal properties, dudes. Not to mention castor oil, mineral oil, white wax and petrolatum for their skin emollient properties, dudes. Boudreaux's Butt Paste also heals diaper rash virtually over night, dudes (which is important when I wear my Depends Undergarments, dudes!) It is also great for feminine irritation and jock itch, dudes!

And now, back to Metal Master's King Hesh Weak in Review.

Unlike the King's ailing sphincter, the Heshology standings tightened up this week. Mokadeth and yours truly were the only contestants left to challenge for the title of Prince Hesh for the month of May. Mok and yours truly both got round 1 correct, which was Van Halen. However, I lived up to my Metal Master nickname after being the only contestant to properly guess that Metal Church was the band featured in round 2.

However, due to technical glitches, round 3 never happened and Prince Hesh for the month of May was not crowned. Moks' once insurmountable lead has dwindled down to 7 rungs over yours truly. Round 3 will be played next week, and will decide the champ!

The technical glitches canceled many other parts of the show. There was no Killer Bong Rip of the Weak, and the Assembled Masses were thankfully spared from the Queen's Bad Joke of the Weak. The Metallicunt of the Weak was to be canned after this show anyway, but thanks to the server problems, it was sent into early retirement.

It has just occurred to me that the content in this WIR has actually exceeded what was presented on the show. With that in mind, it's time for me to terminate this epic and move on to other pursuits. While King Hesh might come up short, yours truly never will.

In keeping with my boast, I will now hand out LVRock's most coveted award, the Poseur of the Weak! And the winner is...

Somehow, Caz managed to get his picture on the Loyal Sausage page. He's missing the loyal part. No one in the chatroom knows whom he is, and he has showed up a grand total of 2 times for the show. Maybe the King needs to change the Loyal Sausage page to The Sausage page. But I digress.

It's time for me to get my money from my bitches. Tune in next week to see if Caz will show up! Tune in to see if the HCC fines the King! Tune in to see if Mok does his patented Mok-A-Choke again! This is yours truly, the elevated player, the mack, the crown pimp of prose, the Metal Master, reporting live from the ghetto. Holla! C-ya next week!