05/23 - May 21: The Queen's Cups Runneth Over


Alright dudes and dudettes! Welcome to the latest installment of Metal Master's Weak in Review. As the official Poet Laureate of the Court of King and Queen Hesh, it is my job to transcribe the events that happened during the show. Then again, "job" might be the wrong word. That would imply receiving payment for my literary talents. I do this enterprise for one reason, and one reason only: not for the fortune, but for the fame that comes with the exposure I get from all 3 people that read this column. But I digress. Onto the show, shall we?

Nice to know the former Iraqi Information Minister is gainfully employed, eh?

As was the case last week, the King kowtowed to the wishes of the Hesh Communication Commission by starting the show on time. However, there was a 20 minute delay in getting the webcam started. This 20 minutes off-cam is part of the King's pre-show ritual, in which he puts on his wig and pulls a used prophylactic out of his nether regions. That's totally heinous, dudes and dudettes. I report, you decide. But I digress.

After his pre-show ritual, the King played killer tunes from the Era of Hair. Featured bands included Bon Jovi, Exodus, Motley Crue, House of Lords, and Def Leppard. The Queen assisted the King in making sure that listener requests in the chatroom were ignored, and that requests via e-mail were forwarded to the proper place. Namely, the recycle bin.

The chatroom was relatively dead for most of the show. However, the room was resuscitated by new blood, as IRONMAN and blindfish made their Hesh debut. The mere appearance of these new Hesh-A-Lites had an unusual effect on the Queen.
To the excitement of all but King Hesh, the Queen untethered her mammoth mammaries for all of the Assembled Masses to see. For those of you who still don't get it, she pulled up her shirt, undid her bra, and showed us her tits.
After that, there was no doubting that the Queen is in fact the infamous Agent Double D, who is part of the Hesh Terrorist Network.

It's now time for part two of my investigation into the Kingdom of Hesh. King Hesh lives by the motto that behind every good man, there's a good man. And in no place is that creed more evident than in the King's love shack. Apparently, the King likes to get his partners drunk before "bedtime".

King Hesh's roommates enjoy bottles of his finest wines just before bedtime. Pictured from left to right: Rudy "Rectal" Rooter (holding a bottle of Cisco), and Guido "Man Hammer" Manicotti (who is seen snuggling with bottle of Night Train.)

Unfortunately, there's more to report. By now you're familiar with the Hesh advertisement pictured below:

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. Without further ado, meet some more of King Hesh's buddies:

Meet Obscure (pictured left) and Impure. Yes, King Hesh is always the dude in between.

Time to pay the bills. This King Hesh (and Queen Hesh!) Weak in Review is brought to you by:
The Liberace Museum



King Hesh, Uncompensated Endorser
Awwwwwwwrrrriiiiiiiigggghhhhht duuuuuuudes! The King went deep for another bitchin' sponsor, dudes! This museum is near and dear to my heart, dudes. I used to be Liberace's personal assistant, dudes! His flamboyant costumes ruled, dudes! Learn all about Liberace at the museum, dudes! I just loved the way he tickled my ivories, dudes!
And now, back to the King Hesh (and Queen Hesh!) Weak in Review.

In other Hesh news, the King suffered from severe bouts of eructation, which he shared with the Assembled Masses.

Despite missing all 3 rounds of Heshology this week, Mokadeth still leads the standings by a mile. Yours truly gained 12 rungs, but barring a Mok-A-Choke of epic proportions (and an unusually good week from me), Mok will be Prince Hesh for the month of May. I'd list the standings, but no one is even close to Mok. No need to embarrass everyone.

The Queen told her patented Bad Joke of the Weak, and much to my surprise, it was actually amusing. However, the King saved the day by telling a lame joke of his own. Suffice it to say that it was equally as bad as the Queen's worst jokes. I'm re-reading the previous 3 sentences and am wondering why the hell I even included this useless bit of news. Maybe I should hire an editor. But I digress.

Loyal Subjects Page Update:

Nothing new to report. The Loyal Subjects Page is still one big sausage party. But I digress.

The show ended. Much to the chagrin of the loyal Hesh-a-Lites in the chatroom, the Queen failed to give out the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak. This happened despite my repeated attempts to remind the Court that the KBROTW needed to be awarded.

Have no fear, loyal readers. The King extended the show by 10 minutes in order to let the Queen award the bong rip to tyranny. While tyranny has impeccable musical taste and is an all-around good guy in the chatroom, it was lost on everyone why he got it. However, tyranny was nonplussed by it all, stating that he was "honored" to receive the bong rip. Way to go tyranny! It's not how you play the game, but whether you win or lose. But I digress.

It's about to time for me to get on the gypsy road. But before I do, it's time for me to hand out LVRocks most anticipated weekly award. That's right, you guessed it - the Poseur of the Weak. Without further ado, the winner is none other than:


Yes, KiB! He earned it for pulling his sponsorship of the show, for coming in and out of chat all night and not saying a word to anyone, and for wearing that pink shirt.

That'll do it for another WIR. This is yours truly, the Poet Laureate, the baddest rapper on the planet (or so I’m told), saying so long for now. LVRaps is just around the corner. C-ya!