05/17 - May 14: That '70s Show


Welcome to the '70s edition of Metal Master's Weak in Review. I can already hear the complaining. Where's Metal Master at? Why wasn't this Weak in Review done in a timely manner? And what the hell is this shit that's playing right now?

I have heard your pleas for answers, and will endeavor to solve these mysteries for you forthwith. If I'm feeling especially generous, I may actually transcribe some of the events that happened during King Hesh - The Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!) My preamble to the preamble of this Weak in Review is done. Let's get to the action!

This was one of the more eagerly anticipated shows in King Hesh (and Queen Hesh!) history. Let's just say the normal anticipation is like sitting in the dentist's chair and having a root canal. This week, it was more like the anticipation that comes with taking a brutal shit that's been fermenting in one's bowels for hours. But I digress.

Miraculously, the show started on time! Apparently, the King took the HCC dude's threats seriously in last week's show. Unfortunately, the King will have to show up on time every week henceforth, or be subjected to copious fines levied by the HCC. Which, would severely limit the King's funds for buying Acapulco Gold. Which, would make his dealer mad. Which, would make Queen Hesh mad. Which, has no implications whatsoever. But I digress.


As you can clearly see, the Loyal Subjects page is still one big sausage party.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Maybe Diggs can add some pictures of the lovely ladies at the Olympic Garden or Sapphire's to the Loyal Subject's page. Something needs to be done. Ladies, please crash this sausage party! But I digress.

Speaking of loyal subjects, many of them showed up in the chatroom to participate in the chaos that is the King Hesh show (and Queen Hesh!) I would tell you who was in there, but you know who you are. And frankly, most people don't care to admit they were there. So there.

The King played his usual mix of monstrous metal, putrid pop, grinding glam, slimy sleaze, and roaring rock. Do you want to know what songs were played? Cool! Then I'd suggest you listen to the damn show. You can catch the King Hesh show (and Queen Hesh!) every Saturday morning at 5 AM Warsaw time. Which would be Fridays at 11 PM Eastern, 8 PM Pacific.

The reason that The Village People are blaring on your speakers is due to the King playing a healthy dose of vintage '70s Kiss during the Birthday Hesh Block. So, another healthy dose of the '70s is in order. And...the King and the Village People are, well, how can I put this gently, very "close". But I digress. Yes, for the second time in a month, the Assembled Masses voted for Kiss. The King was highly upset about the lack of variety by his Loyal Subjects, so he countered by playing a set of very lame Kiss songs.

Here in my Weak in Review, I take great pride in investigative journalism. I scour the nooks and crannies in the Kingdom of Hesh, seeking salacious bits of information to enlighten the Assembled Masses. This week, I decided to investigate a mystery of epic proportions. Just what does the King's bitchin' Camaro look like? Yes, we've all heard references to the aforementioned high-performance hot rod by King Hesh himself. But like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster, there has only been anecdotal evidence to support the existence of such a machine.

My research has turned up conclusive evidence that the bitchin' Camaro does in fact exist!

King Hesh's bitchin' Camaro

Yes, my loyal readers, it's true. The bitchin' Camaro is actually a special edition collector's item of the Hot Wheels Hot Pink Barbie classic, still in the blister pack. Nice ride, King!

Mokadeth dominated Heshology once again, and extended his lead to 27 rungs. Round 1 saw yours truly, Mok, and CALM1 correctly guess Scatterbrain as the snippet that was played. Dyno Don guessed in Round 1, despite arriving late an not having heard the tune. However, whether DD hears it or not, the results are the same. He got it wrong. Nice try DD! Round 2 stumped all of the Assembled Masses save for Mok, who correctly guessed that Baton Rouge was the band. The King got the last laugh in round 3, as he stumped the Assembled Masses. The King jeered at the contestants, saying (and I quote) "You all suck!"

The standings are as follows:
Mokadeth - 35 rungs
The Metal Master - 8 rungs
Dyno Don - 8 rungs
KrokusIsBack - 4 rungs
CALM1 - 4 rungs
pOiSoN-sToNe - 2 rungs

It's now time for one of the more popular segments of my humble WIR. That's right, it's time for a commercial break. This King Hesh Weak in Review is brought to you by:



King Hesh, Compensated Endorser

Awwwwwwwwriiiiiiigggghhhhhht duuuuuuuuuudes! We have a totally bitchin' sponsor this week, dudes. None other than the bard of the rumbling ring, the master of disaster ass blaster, the true legend of controlled anal voicing, the infamous Mr. Methane is the sponsor this week, dudes! His farts are like a mating call to me, dudes! I get wood just thinking about it, dudes! I wish I could hear my farts, dudes! You must go out and get Mr. Methane's album, dudes! It has such bowel shaking classics as:
It's Flatulation
Blue Danube
Just for listening, as an added boner, err, bonus, I'll throw in a free MP3! Check it out!
Curry in the Air
This is mood music for me, dudes! I jacked off a half dozen times to this album this morning, dudes! I always put it on to get my boyfriends in the mood, dudes! Maybe, one day, technology will make it possible to smell the CD, dudes!

And now, back to Metal Master's King Hesh (and Queen Hesh!) Weak in Review.

The Queen told her Bad Joke of the Weak. I supposed I could elaborate here, but I highly suggest that you just tune into the show. I can't do her lame jokes any justice here. But I digress.

The end of the show came, and it was time to award the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak. After a few minutes of silence, the Queen announced that none other than CyberSorcerer was the winner! It appears that his seductive and sexual words to the Queen in the chatroom made her wet enough to bestow the honor upon him. Everyone in the chatroom cheered for CyberSorcerer, until it was discovered that he wasn't even listening to the show. Cyber was blissfully unaware that he'd been awarded the KBROTW, until the Assembled Masses notified him in the chatroom. It just goes to show that anyone can win the KBROTW. You don't even have to listen. Just talk dirty to the Queen in chat, and she'll give you a bong rip!

Now it's time for LVRocks most coveted award, the now-legendary Poseur of the Weak. This wasn't a hard choice, folks. So without further ado, the winner is:

CyberSorcerer!

Yes, you earned it, pal. CyberSorcer wins by virtue of refusing to listen to the show, lamenting the fact that the King has included thrash metal in the playlist. In the Too Much Information department, Cyber informed the Assembled Masses that he was surfing porn with his dick in his hand. So there you are.

Tune in next week to see if the King decides to play more tunes from the '70s! Tune in to see if Dyno Don can get some more rungs in Heshology! Tune in to see who else is surfing porn with their dick in their hand!

This is simply the most electrifying man on LVRocks today, yours truly, The Metal Master, reporting live from Somewhere In Time. C-ya next week!