05/8 - May 7: King Hesh Cited For HCC Violation



For those that want me to write this Weak in Review, give me a "hell yeah!" What? I said, for those who want me to write this damn WIR, give me an "oh hell yeah!" What? Time to crack open another ice-cold beer or three. What? Ok, enough of this nonsense. Time to write this WIR 3:16, the Weak in Review that gives you the finger and says I just whooped your ass! But I digress. Again.

This was an eventful week in the Kingdom of Hesh, but it all starts with the music. King Hesh (and Queen Hesh!) got the party going with a great selection of tunes from The Era of Hair, which featured segments such as the Poontang Playlist, Thrasher Threesome, Birthday Hesh Block, Mother Metal Most Downloaded Song of the Week, and the Metallicunt of the Week. If you want to know what kind of music is played during these segments, check out my previous Weak in Reviews, or better yet, tune in to the show every Friday night at 8:20 Pacific Time!

The chat room was full of the usual band of gypsies, such as KrokusIsBack, pOiSoN-sToNe, Dyno Don, Bare Bear (who celebrated a birthday!), CyberSorcerer, Onyx, tyranny, and last but definitely least, the fashionably late Mokadeth. Due to popular demand, legendary LVRocks celebrity and Olympic Garden Event Coordinator Jimmy "OBD" Diggs lent his star power to the proceedings, while Vixen made her Hesh debut. There was a myriad of topics discussed, like beer, movies, sports, and why The Loyal Subjects page on the King Hesh site is a sausage party.

Pictured above is just a sample of what can be found on The Loyal Subjects page on the King Hesh website.
Ladies, for the love of metal, please send some pictures of yourself to

diggs@lvrocks.com

, so he can add them to the site! Enough sausage already!

The show was rolling along seamlessly, until the phone rang. An eerie silence crept over the Kingdom of Hesh, as the music ceased and the clickety clack of keyboards came grinding to a halt. Who could it be on the phone? What diabolical force would have the gall to interrupt the show? That is, besides yours truly. But I digress. After hearing the caller's voice, it was surmised by the Assembled Masses that it was the King's gay lover calling in once again. Frankly, the voice on the phone made Liberace sound straight in comparison. But I digress. After listening further, it turned out to be Michael C. Clopps from the Hesh Communication Commision, aka the HCC! Mr. Clopps explained that King Hesh violated HCC Regulation 69CHR0.420, which in layman's terms states that King Hesh is often late for his own show, which is in fact false advertising. The King made a valiant effort in his own defense, uttering highbrow arguments such as "Dude!", and "That's heinous!", and "Uhhh." Clopps was unswayed by King Hesh's eloquent defense, and warned him that fines will be forthcoming should he not start the King Hesh Show on time henceforth. I don't know about you, but I hope the King has deep pockets. The odds of him starting the show on time are as remote as him becoming straight. But I digress.

Shortly after the heinosity that was the HCC, the LVRocks server went down. Many of the Assembled Masses thought that The Kingdom of Hesh was under attack by Osama Bin Diggs, otherwise known as OBD. However, their fears were unfounded, as it was merely the usual technical glitch that inevitably interrupts the King Hesh Show every week. Since we have some dead air, it's time for a word from our sponsor.

This Metal Master's Weak in Review is proud to be sponsored by the good folks at Butt Wiper!




King Hesh, Compensated Endorser.
"Awwwwwwwwwwriiiiiiiight duuuuuuuuudes! The King has lined up a bitchin' sponsor this week, dudes. Everyone needs to wipe his or her ass, dudes. Even I like to wipe about every other month, dudes! Maybe now that I'm getting free Butt Wiper, I'll do it once a month, dudes! I tried Butt Wiper and liked it, dudes, because it's easy on my sphincter! It gently wipes around my hemorrhoids and torn rectal tissue, dudes! Butt Wiper is quilted for maximum comfort, and comes in 500 sheet 32 ply rolls. Do yourself a favor - buy a roll of Butt Wiper today!"

And now, back to The Metal Master's King Hesh Weak in Review

Another week, another rectal related sponsor. The Gold Dust entrance theme was certainly a fitting touch. But I digress. After Diggs concocted a Viagra/Cialis/Levitra cocktail to get the server back up, the King kicked out some more bitchin' tunes from The Era of Hair. Heshology was hotly contested this week, as even Dyno Don submitted some killer guesses. Despite everyone's best efforts, Mokadeth took the early lead for this month. The standings are as follows:

1) Mokadeth - 23 rungs for getting rounds 2 and 3 correct.
2) Dyno Don - 8 rungs for getting a tough round 2 correct. Way to go DD!
3) The Metal Master and KrokusIsBack - 4 rungs for getting round 1 correct.
4) pOiSoN-sToNe - 2 rungs for getting round 1 correct on his second guess.
5) The rest of the Assembled Masses combined - Zilch! Zip! Zero! Nothing! None!

It's not too late to enter Heshology, as there are still 3 weeks left in May. If you know your late 80s-early 90s hair and metal bands, take a shot at it! The winner this month will receive a copy of the Warrant classic "Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich"!


The King's phone was a hotline. Yours truly called in, as well as Mokadeth, who won a Sapphire 2004 calendar. Onyx was disappointed that the King wouldn't part with his Men of Olympus calendar. However, the phone call of the night was from none other than The Kingdom of Hesh's very own Info Dude!

The Info Dude called in to inform the King of the impending threat from Michael C. Clopps and the Hesh Communication Commission. Unfortunately for the Info Dude, he was a day late and a dollar short, as Clopps had already called in. The King was highly upset at the Info Dude, and repeatedly pressed him for more information. The Info Dude did manage to shed some light that the "C" in "Michael C. Clopps" stands for "Cy". The King was furious that the Info Dude was spending all of his time inspecting Agent Double D's camel toe, instead of protecting The Kingdom of Hesh from OBD's minions, and threatened to stop funding the Info Dude's activities didn't yield more fruit. No, the King didn't say it that way. But it's my job to make his unintelligible comments fit for public consumption. But I digress.

I'm sorry to report that that Queen Hesh did tell her Bad Joke of the Weak. Truly brutal stuff. Later, after much discussion between the King and the Queen, none other than resident LVRocks supporter, San Diego Chargers fan, Tony Stewart fan, and chaw-dipping Dyno Don was awarded the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak! DD was ecstatic, typing "schweeeet!" over and over again in the chatroom. His exuberance soon turned to suicidal depression as the Queen didn't give him his hit off of the bong! In other words, the Queen played the role of tease. This was a travesty. Even I agreed that Dyno Don was in the running for the KBROTW, which is a first.

We're now near the end of this long and winding road, otherwise known as the WIR. Before I head for the highway, I must select the winner of LVRock's most egregious award, the Poseur of the Weak. There was some stiff competition for this week's POTW, so here are the candidates:

1) Mokadeth - for his heinous comments about Morbid Angel on the message board, for showing up late every week to the show, and for not submitting a *current* picture for Diggs to post on The Loyal Subjects page.
2) KrokusIsBack - I still can't get over the pink shirt he's wearing on The Loyal Subjects page.

Both men were worthy candidates to be sure. However, sometimes it takes a women to do a man's job. The winner of Metal Master's WIR Poseur of the Weak is....
QUEEN HESH! I can hear her sobbing now. Why, oh Master, why? Easy. Dyno Don was announced as the winner of the KBROTW, and instead of putting out and giving him what you promised, you played the roll of a tease. There's nothing worse than a woman who doesn't put out. But I digress.


Tune in next week to see if the Info Dude is able to supply King Hesh with actual information! Tune in to see if OBD infiltrates the Kingdom of Hesh! Tune in to see if Queen Hesh will make good on her promise to give Dyno Don a bong rip!

This is the most electrifying man on LVRocks today, yours truly, the Poet Laureate, the man, the myth, the mack, the show stopper and smack talker, the man that men want to be and women want to be with, reporting live from The Dungeon. And that's the bottom line, cos The Metal Master said so! C-ya next week!