05/1 - Metal Master Rules For a Night


Allllllriiiiiiight duuuuuuuudes! Yes, it's the moment that all of the Loyal Subjects of the Kingdom of Hesh look forward to, yours truly's often imitated (but never duplicated) blissful (not to mention banal) blathering otherwise known as Metal Master's Weak in Review. With punishing puns proliferating from my gray matter at a rapid rate, and a keyboard at the ready, I shall endeavor to transcribe the events that happened this week on King Hesh - The Hair Apparent. Which makes me the trouble starter, punking instigator. But I digress. Time to tell the tale!

First and foremost, the King Hesh Show (and Queen Hesh!) is about playing music from the Era of Hair. The King went deep into the archives and selected a slew of tunes that satiated the Assembled Masses' appetites for totally bitchin' old-school rock and metal. Some of the bands that were featured included Dokken, Judas Priest, Warrant, Helloween, Skid Row, Ratt, Bon Jovi, and Megadeth. Most tunes were played by request, so if you need to hear an Era of Hair song, call King Hesh during the show at 1-866-LVRocks, or, just log into the chatroom! Other requested tunes by Cinderella, Great White, and Poison were played during the Poontang Playlist, which are songs guaranteed to make the bitches wet and get you laid. On the other end of the Era of Hair spectrum was the Thrasher Threesome, which featured a trio of requested heavy hitters that included Testament, Metal Church, and Slayer. Lest you think the request portion of the show was over, think again. The King let the Assembled Masses vote for the Birthday Hesh Block, which features songs from a band of which a member had a birthday during the week. Bands up for the voting were Testament, Danger Danger, Kiss, Great White, and Sepultura. Winning by a landslide was the Hottest Band in the World...KISS! Kiss received all but one vote, with KrokusisBack casting a vote for Danger Danger. And last but not least, the Assembled Masses selected "Master of Puppets" for the Metallicunt of the Night. Yours truly incorrectly referred to said segment in last week's WIR as the Metallicut of the Night. I regret the error. But I digress.

The chatroom was full of the King's Loyal Subjects, which included yours truly, Diggs, DynoDon, pOiSoN-sToNe, Mokadeth, tyranny, KrokusIsBack, and the ever reliable ChanServ. Caz showed up in the studio and shared bong hits with the King and Queen. The conversation in the chatroom was lively and provocative, with topics ranging from the NFL, to the HIV porn scandal, music, and the King's sexuality. Much to the surprise of the Assembled Masses, a bunch of King Hesh's closest personal friends showed up in the chatroom. Yes, this cheeky group of deviates are known collectively as the Assembled Asses. Among them were Anal Invader, Rectal Rooter, Ass2MouthMan, Colon Cosmonaut, Butt Pirate, Ass Bandit, and the ubiquitous HotTubJerker. The King's friends are not only totally heinous, but it seems that they are totally anus as well. But I digress.

I'd like to take the time to wish CALM1 a special "Get Well Soon, Dude". CALM has been a loyal listener to the show for a long time, but has been unable to participate due to some health issues. Fortunately, he'll be recovering soon, and he'll be back before you know it. Hurry back, CALM!


Heshology went down to the wire, as four contestants were in the running to win the Guns 'n' Roses classic CD "Appetite For Destruction". Round 1 saw only Mokadeth and yours truly compiling 4 more rungs as we correctly guessed that the snippet of music played was Trixter. This brought Mok and yours truly to within 3 rungs of KrokusIsBack. Round 2 was a great test for true metalheads. Only tyranny and yours truly, The Metal Master, were up for the challenge, as we were the only two that correctly identified Morbid Angel as the band featured in the snippet. Suffice it to say that the posers that didn't get it right had sour grapes, complaining that "Morbid Angel is too heavy for this show" and that "Morbid Angel is death metal, not thrash". Get over it, posers. Yours truly and tyranny received 8 rungs for our efforts, which gave yours truly a 5 rung lead over KrokusIsBack, and an 8 rung lead over Mokadeth. Round 3 featured a poser band snippet that absolutely everyone got wrong, thereby giving the Heshology title for the month of April to none other than your Poet Laureate, The Metal Master. The King informed the Assmebled Masses that we all heinously sucked for getting round 3 wrong. The final standings for Heshology were as follows: The Metal Master, 51, KrokusIsBack, 46, Mokadeth, 43, pOiSoN-sToNe, 27, and tyranny, 8. I'm sure that resident LVRocks supporter and San Diego Chargers fan DynoDon earned some rungs along the way, but I have no record of that. But I digress. It's time to pay the bills. This week's King Hesh - The Hair Apparent Weak in Review is sponsored by...


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After reading that, I feel compelled to provide an alternative to the alterantive lifestyle, if you catch my drift.

Je moi, The Metal Master called into the show and won the 2004 Sapphire Gentlemen's Club Calendar which is signed by 2003 Gem of the Year, Marisa Renee. All I had to do was call in after hearing the "Wolf Whistle" and be the first caller to say, "Sapphire is the WORLD'S LARGEST Gentlemen's Club". This promotion is happening during all LVRocks live broadcasts, so keep listening for your chance to win! In an interview, legendary Motley Crue frontman (and strip club aficionado) Vince Neil listed his top 5 Gentlemen's Clubs, and Sapphire was on his list. If Vince likes it, you can be rest assured that Sapphire's delivers.

Surprisingly, Queen Hesh did not tell a Bad Joke of the Weak, messing up the smoke breaks, bog breaks, and beer runs that are customarily executed during this particular slice of airtime. However, the Queen more than made up for that by awarding the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak to none other than The Metal Master! For those of you who don't know by now, that's me. But I digress. I won the KBROTW for winning Heshology in April, for writing this wretched WIR, for winning the Sapphire calendar, and for my participation in the chatroom. See, I actually have to earn it. Others (who shall remain nameless, Mokadeth), can get it at anytime for any reason or no reason. However, despite my objections to the process, I do understand that in the end, the Kingdom of Hesh is a monarchy, and the Queen does have the right to act as she pleases. Long live the Queen!

Yes, my loyal readers, the end is near. But wait! Breaking news! I just received an e-mail from none other than the Info Dude! Let's see what he has to say:

Dear Metal Master,
Allah be praised. I heard about your tremendous victory in Heshology. Allah has vanquished your enemies and roasted their stomaches in hell! But I digress. Next week, a new threat is coming to the Kingdom of Hesh! I must go now, as Agent DD and I are doing some "underover" work. I love that camel toe, ya know? C-ya!
In Your Service,
The Info Dude

WOW! Breaking news right here on the WIR, and you heard it here first! Now, before I head off into the vast wasteland that is cyberspace, I must select the Poseur of the Weak. Who is it? None other than KrokusIsBack, for the tremendous Mok-A-Choke in losing Heshology, for complaining that Morbid Angel is too heavy of a band to play during the show, for arguing that the Dallas Cowboys improved this year, and last but not least, for being the HotTubJerker. Let's face it, Krokus was without peer in his credentials. Congratulations on winning your first POTW, Krokus! I'm sure it won'be your last.

Tune in next week to see if the new threat to the Kingdom of Hesh manifests itself! Tune in to see if the Queen shows some more leg on the webcam like she did this week! Tune in to see if the HotTubJerker and the King show more public displays of affection! This is yours truly, the Poet Laureate, the Master of All That is Metal, the Prince of Prose, the King of Comedy, Pimp, Player, and Soothsayer, the most electrifying man on LVRocks today, reminding you to always look out for number one. And be careful not to step in number 2! But I digress. C-YA!