08/22 - Aug 20: Info Dude Warns of Attack


(Kingdom of Hesh Wire Services) - Hear ye! Hear ye! This is your official Town Cryer, The Metal Master, and I’m so pissed off right now that I’m starting off with the Poseur of the Weak.


Your Poseur of the Weak – King Anus.

Week after week, I spend hours upon hours working on these damn Weak in Reviews for absolutely nothing. It’s bad enough I don’t get paid. It’s even worse I get no free schwag like CDs or t-shirts. It’s downright ridiculous that the King doesn’t even take a few seconds to thank me for the hard work I put into this. However, the ultimate insult is that I can’t even get a damn request played. I’ve been requesting Bonham’s “Holding On Forever” for over 2 months now, and King Heinous still hasn’t fulfilled that request. Mother Metal is a sponsor of the show, and they have that very song available for download, so there’s no excuse for this. King Hesh, I dub thee Poseur of the Weak for taking your Poet Laureate for granted, and I hereby flip you the metal finger.

Yes, King Hesh can be an ass, but I will fulfill my duties as Poet Laureate anyway. There was huge news during the show as the Info Dude called in to warn the King of an impending attack by OBD and the Hesh Terrorist Network. It appears that Bin Sync, the radical arm of the HTN, will be carrying out the attack at the next show during the Birthday Hesh Block.


Available at a fine book store near you.

The transcript of the Info Dude’s warning is as follows:

Holy cow, I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that I have detailed information about the situation. I came back as fast as I could on my camel to warn King Hesh of the impending doom. Holy cow, OBD and Bin Sync will attack the Kingdom of Hesh during the Birthday Hesh Block next week. Let the infidels bask in their illusion! Holy cow.


Bin Sync, the radical arm of the Hesh Terrorist Network.

The King didn’t take the Info Dude seriously, citing the aforementioned dude’s incredibly bad track record when it comes to providing intelligence. Shortly thereafter, Nigra called in to the show, and said (in a thick Middle Eastern accent) that the Info Dude is a fake. Apparently, Nigra owns the liquor store right across from LVRocks, and felt the need to do some playa hatin’. Hate the player, not the game. But I digress.

I’m amazed at the pervasive influence that sausage has on society through the ages. I stumbled across this sharp prose while reading “The Tales of Guy de Maupassant”, which is a collection of short stories by the world-renowned French author:

“He yawned, and his mouth watered at the thought of sausage, the nice soldier’s sausage; and his stomach began to give him trouble.” – “The Adventures of Walter Schnaffs”, by Guy de Maupassant (1850-1893)

That’s a perfect segue to the now-legendary Loyal Sausage Page Update!


Kickin’ it old school. Just look at the loving care in which these men handle their own sausage.

I regret to inform you, the Assembled Masses, that there’s nothing new to report about the Loyal Sausage Page. It’s all sausage, all the time, 24/7. No lovely ladies have been posted on the page to break up this sausage party. Rumor has it that women have been sending pictures of themselves to King Hesh for posting, but that the King has been preventing publication, as he prefers dudes. Unmitigatedly flagitious, my good man. But I digress.


Stryper drummer Robert Sweet will be interviewed by King Hesh for next week’s show.

I wonder if Queen Hesh will ask Robert Sweet the patented penis question, since he is an avowed Christian? But I digress.

Hesh Trivia was once again the victim of controversy, as the King asked about the original name of the band Kix. History shows that Kix were known as The Shooze and The Generators before ultimately settling on the name they became famous for. Somehow, King Heinous had a different answer, claiming that Kix were formerly known as Fruity Pebbles. After much confusion, the King correctly awarded yours truly the joint. NOTE TO KING HESH: Only ask questions you know the answer to. But I digress.

And now, a word from our sponsor.

This weekly synopsis of King Hesh – The Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!) is brought to you by Kingdom of Hesh Presidential candidate and current Governor of New Jersey James McGreevey.


”As your President, I promise to take it in the ass.”


King Hesh, uncompensated endorser.

Awwwwwwwwwriiiiiiiiiiight, dudes! I, King Hesh, have landed yet another totally bitchin’ sponsor, dudes. New Jersey Governor James E. McGreevey will be resigning his post in November to run for President of the Kingdom of Hesh, dudes. McGreevey has come out of the closet, dudes. I was also in his closet, dudes!


”Mmmmmmmm. Fresh meat!”

James E. McGreevey plans to bring to the Hesh Presidency the values his parents taught him, dudes -- hard work, integrity, and honesty. As President, he is committed to upholding the principles of King Hesh, dudes. He loves dudes, dudes!

And now, back to Metal Master’s Weak in Review.

I somehow suspected that the King was running around with that fudge packer. But I digress.

Heshology is currently a tie between Mokadeth and yours truly, who have 31 rungs each. The Queen told her Bad Joke of the Weak, much to the chagrin of all assembled. Plus, there was a Loyal Listener Caz Kingston sighting. Thanks for letting me get all of that out of the way. But I digress.


She should be in the Olympics.

That anti-sausage picture can only mean one thing. It’s time to reveal who won the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak! Without further ado, the winner is:



Apparently, pOiSoN-sToNe won the award by threatening Queen Hesh with 6 shots to the dome if he didn’t win. As revered civil rights leader Malcolm X once implored, “By any means necessary.” Way to go, dude!

I know that I’ve already made my choice for Poseur of the Weak. However, there was another person deserving of the honor. By popular demand, as voted on in the chatroom, the co-winner of the Poseur of the Weak is:



Fitz gets it for making fat jokes about Queen Hesh. Due to his insensitive remarks, the Queen wouldn’t bare her huge hooters to hungry Hesh-A-Lites. However, after Fitz left, the Queen put on a show worth paying for.

I’ve spent enough of my free time blathering on about the King Heinous show. The operative word there is “free”. But I digress. If you want to know what happened, by all means tune into the show. You can listen online at LVRocks, Radio 306, and at our new affiliate, Planet Radio!



Tune in next week to see if the King will finally play my request! Tune in to see if the Queen asks Robert Sweet the infamous cock question! Tune in to see if the Info Dude is right about OBD and the HTN!

This is yours truly, The Metal Master, your Poet Laureate, a literary savant for the ages, reporting live from Hesh Corporate Headquarters. C-YA!