08/15 - Loyal Subjects Denied Bong Rip


(Kingdom of Hesh Wire Services) - Hear ye! Hear ye! My salutations to the Lords and Ladies that make up the Kingdom of Hesh. I am your Poet Laureate, The Metal Master, and I am here by the King’s command to inform you, the Loyal Subjects, as to the latest happenings in the Kingdom of Hesh. My humble transcription will endeavor to amuse; otherwise, it’s off with my head! King Hesh is not a merciful fellow. But I digress.


Some wanking material for you perverts out there.

Quite by accident, obituaries have become a regular part of the WIR. I guess people are just dying to get in. But I digress. World famous French chef and PBS stalwart Julia Child died this week, just 2 days shy of her 92nd birthday. Julia was known for taking complicated French recipes and making them understandable to the masses. Without Julia, there’s no Emeril, Iron Chef, or Food Network. And I daresay her influence is felt on the Loyal Sausage Page. Bon appetite, Julia.

Week 2 of the new Corporate Era of King Hesh – The Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!) was a long, strange trip. The show was packed with great features like the Poontang Playlist, Birthday Hesh Block, and the Thrashing Threesome (or whatever name the King happens to give it on a given week). However, conspicuous by its absence was the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak. No one received the award. Not because there wasn’t anyone deserving of the honor, mind you. It was a huge gaffe by our Royal Couple. Or, perhaps OBD mistaked the sacred bong for a penis pump. But I digress. Hesh-A-Lites were also subjected to the King rambling on and on about absolutely nothing, instead of playing music. Despite my gripes (and the King’s horrid yodeling during a tepid rendition of “Happy Birthday”), it was still a killer show!

This was the first time in weeks that that there wasn’t an interview with a titan from the Era of Hair. However, this break in the action gives me the opportunity to reach deep into the archives and recap an interview that Daily Noise host Jimmy Diggs had with King Hesh, back in the pre-corporate incarnation of the show!


The true King of Queens.

What we learned about King Hesh:

1) King Hesh likes dudes.

2) He prefers 2 or 3 dudes at a time.

3) The King doesn’t know what a vagina is.

4) It’s no longer possible for him to fart loudly, as torn tissue in the rectal area prevents it. He likened the sound of his flatulence to the sound one makes when blowing out candles.

5) The King has never made a pass at Queen Hesh, and actually ignores her when she bares her massive mammary glands to the Assembled Masses.

There you have it! In fairness to King Hesh, he maintains that this interview was the result of some rather creative editing by Jimmy Diggs. I report, you decide. But I digress.

I hear the rumbling in your stomach, which can mean only one thing – you’re hungry for some sausage. I will feed your appetite with the Loyal Sausage Page Update!


Fitzroy James Dio checks out a bloke’s rather lengthy sausage. RESPECT!

Despite my pleas in this very column, the Loyal Sausage Page is still all sausage, all the time. Ladies, please submit your pictures. Nudes and hard-core pornography are not only accepted but also encouraged. Although King Hesh is gay, don’t let that stop you! Queen Hesh loves women!

The new and improved version of Heshology yielded some close results for week 1. Here are the standings:

1) Music-Rock, Fitzroy James Dio, Mokadeth, and yours truly all scored Hesh Tricks, scoring a total of 27 rungs.

2) POiSoN-sToNe and Zynite both earned 15 rungs.

Anyone can attempt to climb the Ladder of Heshness. Don’t forget to submit your guesses for Heshology this week. The deadline for submissions is Friday, noon Pacific Time. Good luck!

And now, a word from our sponsor.

This Metal Master’s Weak in Review is sponsored by:



King Hesh, uncompensated endorser.

Awwwwwwwriiiiiiiiight, duuuuuuuuuuudes! It’s King Hesh, dudes, and I’ve gone deep for another bitchin’ sponsor, dudes. The Blue Moon Resort is Las Vegas’ only gay resort, dudes! They offer 45 rooms and suites, dudes. Check out the clothing optional, lagoon style pool, dudes! There’s also a 10-man Jacuzzi grotto, dudes! Be like me and register for the “Full Moon Club”, dudes, and be the first to hear about special Internet room rates, promotions, contests, and special events! This is my favorite place in Las Vegas, dudes!

And now, back to Metal Master’s Weak in Review.

Texas Mike, does this answer your question, “Is King Hesh still gay?” But I digress.

Hesh Trivia brought about yet more controversy. Although Mokadeth answered the question first and got it right, he was denied the victory. Since Mok named the band first, and not the name of the album (as the King had requested), he was disqualified. So, yours truly earned the win. I just want to take this time to commend the King for his ruling. It was fair, by the book, and it benefited me! But I digress.


Bong and Breast – a study in neo-ganjian eroticism.

There was no Killer Bong Rip of the Weak, but that didn’t stop me from including some gratuitous female nudity. It’s artistic; it’s tasteful, and suitable for framing in your family room. But I digress. Again.

I’ve blathered long enough. However, it is my duty to dub the Poseur of the Weak. Your winner is Queen Hesh! The Queen gets it for remembering to do her lame Bad Joke of the Weak, but failing to award the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak. This is the Queen’s third POTW, and as such, is automatically entered into the Poseur of the Year competition! He Who Must Not Be Named is the only other person who has received a berth into the POTY pool.



I just cranked a rancid fart, and need to bail out before I’m engulfed in the foul stench of my own effluvium. Tune in next week to see how you did in Heshology! Tune in to see if Mok gets screwed again in Hesh Trivia! Tune in to see if our bumbling monarchs can remember to award the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak!

This is your Poet Laureate, The Metal Master, simply the most electrifying man on LVRocks today, reporting live from Hesh Corporate Headquarters. C-YA!