08/9 - August 5: The Corporation of Hesh


(Kingdom of Hesh Wire Services) - G’day lads and lassies! Welcome to yet another sterling edition of Metal Master’s Weak in Review. This is the only place you’ll find the official recap of what happened in the Kingdom of Hesh during the past week. Accept no substitute! I’m your host, The Metal Master, and I’m about to embark on a gripping narrative that toes the thin line between fact and fiction. So indulge in a potent libation, light up whatever you happen to have in your pipe, and prepare to receive the maximum recommended daily allowance of fun. This is Metal Master’s Weak in Review!


The brotha is representin’.

Rick James, the renegade of funk that was responsible for such hits as “Super Freak”, “Give It To Me Baby”, and “Mary Jane”, died at the young age of 56 this week. For those of you that think MC Hammer actually wrote the music for “Can’t Touch This”, listen to some Rick James and get an education. Rick did have something in common with King Hesh; namely the use of marijuana and hashish. However, unlike King Hesh, Rick had an insatiable lust for women. Let’s face it – Rick James has been with more white women than the Loyal Subjects combined. But I digress. Rap on, Rick.

Week one of the corporate edition of King Hesh went off without a hitch. The aforementioned monarch delivered yet another killer blend of music and mayhem. From the songs that make the bitches wet and get you laid in the Poontang Playlist, to the sounds of Bay Area bashing heard in the Thrashing Threesome, the King covered most metal styles in the Era of Hair.



However, there was complete and total heinosity when the King denied requests from the chatroom for Kreator and Destruction during the Thrashing Threesome. “Dudes, Kreator and Destruction are too dark and heavy, dudes,” opined the King. “You can go to that other show to hear that.” Now let me get this straight. Slayer, Morbid Angel, Death Angel, Voivod, and Celtic Frost are ok, but Kreator and Destruction aren’t. Hesh-A-Lites, I don’t think it’s a matter of Kreator and Destruction being too heavy. I think that the King couldn’t name one song either band did. Ignorance is bliss, King Heinous. But I digress.

Since the King referred the Assembled Masses to that “other show”, I’ll take the liberty to inform you of what that other show is.



Don’t forget to tune into LVRocks every Thursday night at 11 PM EST, 8 PM PST to hear the heaviest of the heavy during METAL REIGNS. Join your hosts Crusher and Scythe as they take you through the Bangin’ Classic, interviews with the heaviest signed and unsigned bands, and of course, the infamous…

The Vod Shot is given each week by Mike Vod from New York. A die-hard metal fan who has helped METAL REIGNS with all kinds of things and these are his picks. Tune in to METAL REIGNS every Thursday at 8pm pst to hear the Vod Shot.

Now that I’ve sufficiently plugged METAL REIGNS, I guess it’s time to get back to the week that was in the Kingdom of Hesh. Whilst the King is a bumbling dope smoking idiot, he still went deep for a bitchin’ interview with guitar legend George Lynch of Dokken.


George Lynch – a blue hair already?

What we learned about George Lynch:

1) George is 49 years old and claims to have a Miracle Ear endorsement.

2) He’s been married 3 times, and has 4 kids and 3 grandkids.

3) When asked about Don Dokken, George stated that, “He was a bitch”. George wasn’t done. “He has a huge fucking ego,” stated Lynch. Tell us how you really feel next time, George. But I digress.

4) “Mr. Scary” was an instrumental because “Shithead couldn’t come up with anything,” referring to Don Dokken’s inability to write lyrics for the song.

5) George did blow with Freddie Krueger in full makeup on the set of the “Dream Warriors” video. He snorted the blow off of Krueger’s claws.

6) George apparently wasn’t a fan of the ‘80s, as he only got one out of three tunes correct in Heshology. “I hate that shit”, Lynch said. “It all sounded the same back then. I don’t listen to that shit.” He opined that the ‘80s will come back in 2080, but that he has his jumpsuit sitting right by the front door just in case it comes back earlier.

7) The Queen asked her patented cock size question, but George was evasive. “I have a chicken coop and raise chickens,” stated Lynch. He went on to brag that he had small cocks, medium cocks, and large cocks on his farm. Since George didn’t come clean on the question, I submit the following from Metal Sludge’s infamous Penis Chart:

George is somewhat above average in length and width. Maybe his dick works out with weights as well. He loves anal sex though, so if you've never had anal sex before, you might wanna practice with some toys before taking George on.


Both the King and Queen admired George’s cock.

Thus ends the series of killer interviews for the time being. Either that or King Sphincter forgot to tell anyone about future interviews. But I digress. Special thanks to George Lynch for being a good sport providing much material for the WIR! Don’t forget to check out George’s new CD, entitled “Furious George”.



If you’re still reading this, it’s for one reason only – your insatiable appetite for sausage. I have heard your cries for more sausage, and will deliver. Due to popular demand, I have agreed to extend the Loyal Sausage Page Update for a few more weeks. RESPECT!


Would you buy a used car from this man?

It’s still all sausage, all the time. That’s totally heinous, dudes. But I digress.

Heshology has taken on a new format. The King plays snippets from all 3 rounds at the same time, and repeats it throughout the broadcast. You have until Friday (3 PM EST, noon PST), to submit your guesses. Results of last week’s Heshology will be known next week. The winner of Heshology for the month of August will win Blue Murder’s eponymous debut album!



Hesh Trivia made its debut, as the King asked the Assembled Masses which was the only Kiss record to be released on Warner Bros. Records. After naming just about every album in the Kiss catalogue, Mokadeth got it right. Depending on whom you believe, a prize will be awarded either weekly or monthly to the winner. I think this segment needs some work, King. You don’t see Alex Trebek on Jeopardy giving contestants 10 shots at getting the answer right. And I don’t digress.

And now, a word from our sponsor.

This Metal Master’s Weak in Review is brought to you by Friederich Dick’s Sausage Stuffers!



King Hesh, Uncompensated Endorser

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This is the big kahuna of sausage stuffers, dudes! Check out these features, dudes: stainless steel cylinder, base plate and support rods, dudes. Plastic piston, plastic coated gearbox, dudes. Piston seals tightly against cylinder and rubber seal, dudes. Piston has patented air valve, dudes. Fast back stroke, dudes. I love a fast stroke, dudes! Can be completely disassembled for easy cleaning, dudes. Preset limit switch allows for automatic travel stop, dudes. Complete with four horns, dudes. Buy a Dick Sausage Stuffer today, dudes!

And now, back to Metal Master’s Weak in Review.

Only in the Kingdom of Hesh can you find shit like this. But I digress.

The Assembled Masses were spared having to hear Queen Hesh’s Bad Joke of the Weak. How cool is that? We were also spared the Mother Metal Most Downloaded Song of the Weak. It appears Mother Metal failed to inform the King what the #1 song was. It was a good marketing ploy, though. I haven’t mentioned that Mother Metal segment in my WIR in weeks. Way to go, Krokus!


Bongs and babes. It doesn’t get any better than this.

The Killer Bong Rip of the Weak was awarded to Music-Rock, a newcomer to the Kingdom of Hesh. Music-Rock specializes in selling autographed metal CDs and other schwag associated with the lifestyle. Apparently, awarding the KBROTW to a potential sponsor is yet another indicator that the King has gone corporate. Tsk tsk. I guess I need to call it the Corporation of Hesh, as opposed to the kingdom. But I digress. Again.

I’m ready to make like a tree and leave. But before I do, it’s time to hand out LVRock’s most coveted award, the Poseur of the Weak!

And the winner is:



GADGET!

I know, I know. Gadget wasn’t even in the chatroom. However, that didn’t stop the King from counting his vote for Ratt in the Birthday Hesh Block, although the rules specifically state that you must be in the chatroom for your vote to count. Diggs argued that Gadget was a Loyal Listener, but as Caz Kingston proved, having your mug posted on the Loyal Sausage Page has absolutely nothing to do with loyalty. After all, my neighbor wanted to vote, as did the pizza delivery chick, my brother on the phone, and the cop walking the beat on my block. But their votes weren’t counted. Once again, a lame judgment by our bumbling monarch.

Come to think of it, a second Poseur of the Weak needs to be awarded:



Yup, one Jimmy Diggs, for conspiring to get Gadget’s vote counted. You’re in Las Vegas, not Florida. But I digress.

In order to save space next week, I’ll just post Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” in its entirety. But I digress. Tune in next week to see how you did on Heshology! Tune in next week to see if the King has an interview lined up with someone he forgot to tell us about! Tune in to see if the Queen will show her ample bosom to the Assembled Masses, just as she did this week!

This is yours truly, the Duke of Digression, your Poet Laureate, simply the most electrifying man on LVRocks today, The Metal Master, reporting live from Hesh Corporate Headquarters. Thanks for reading. C-YA!