07/31 - July 30: It's Sausage, Friend, and Mash.


(Kingdom of Hesh Wire Services) - ALL ABOARD! Welcome, Heshian dudes and dudettes, to this most excellent review of the week that was in the Kingdom of Hesh. I'm your host, The Metal Master, and I invite you to board this crazy train. If you heard the show and/or participated in the chatroom, you'll get to relive some killer metal memories. If, unlike most Hesh-A-Lites, you actually have a life and were out on Friday night, you can catch up on everything that you missed. So imbibe an adult beverage, fire up your smoke of choice, and get ready to rock - this is Metal Master's Weak in Review!


Flying High Again: Daredevil Kaptain Robbie Knievel risks life and limb.

I just saw Kaptain Robbie Knievel successfully jump his motorcycle over fighter planes on an aircraft carrier. I can't figure out if he's brave, or just plain stupid. But I digress.

The Kingdom of Hesh is about to morph. Corporate interests have dictated a change in the format of the show. Despite the King's best efforts to explain those changes, the Assembled Masses are still scratching their collective heads over what it all means. Don't worry, Hesh-A-Lites. No matter what the changes are, count on the King and Queen to deliver a killer show! NOTE: I was paid to say that. But I digress.

The King continued his series of interviews with the hair metal legends of yore. In the hot seat this week was Dean Roberts, the drummer for Leatherwolf.


Dean ponders why King Hesh is underneath his drum kit.

What we learned about Dean Roberts:

1) Dean is a roofing contractor when he's not bashing the skins for Leatherwolf.

2) He loves playing progressive metal.

3) Dean's dream band would consist of Rob Halford on lead vocals, Steve Harris on bass, Roger Glover on keyboards, and the triple axe attack of Al DiMeola, Michael Schenker, and Glenn Tipton.

4) Leatherwolf never toured Japan, which goes to prove that not every band is big in Japan.

5) Two killer quotes: Dean told Queen Hesh to "Pipe down, little girl", and he opined that Leatherwolf "...got stuck playing with Warrant." Ouch.

6) Dean correctly guessed 2 snippets out of 5 when the King tested his Heshness. The worst is that he had to cheat to get the second one correct.

7) The tall skinny drummer rumor must be true. Dean stated that his schlong was "..maybe 8, maybe 9 inches...", and that the girth of the aforementioned weapon of mass destruction was "...pretty big..." You can certainly count on Queen Hesh to ask the hard questions. But I digress.

Great interview, Dean! Don't forget to tune in next week for the King's long-awaited interview with legendary Dokken/Lynch Mob axeman George Lynch!


Rokken with Dokken.

The chatroom was on fire this week! After a one-year hiatus, our resident Brit warmonkey showed up. Welcome back! Long-suffering Chargers fan Dyno Don also made a rare appearance. Topics of discussion ranged from professional wrestling, to politics, to the King stating that he was "...looking for a few good men..." in a personal ad in Bugle QVegas magazine, which touts itself as "The Gay & Lesbian Voice of Las Vegas for 26 Years." I report. You decide. But I digress.

A.P. Herbert once stated that "A highbrow is the kind of person who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso." Apparently, we have lots of highbrows that read the WIR. It's time to delve into the meatiest part of the WIR, the Loyal Sausage Page Update!


Bull's Penis Sausage is a delicacy in New Zealand. Yes, you read that right. But I digress.

In honor of this most highly rated segment of my WIR, I felt some poetry would be in order. Enjoy!

If there's an end
On which I'd spend
My last remaining cash
It's sausage friend
It's sausage, friend
It's sausage, friend, and mash

When love is dead
Ambition fled
And pleasure, lad, and pash
You'll still enjoy
A sausage, boy
A sausage, boy, and mash.
by A.P. Herbert (1890-1971)

Now there's a guy who was way ahead his time. RESPECT! But I digress. Yet again.



Speaking of respect, and of a guy who's way ahead of his time, I give you Fitzroy James Dio! On occasion, Fitz will be sharing his wit and wisdom with Hesh-A-Lites in his column, entitled "Fitz Says". What literary treasures do you have for us today, Fitz?

Fitz Says:
Question: How many Mike Vods does it take to put a light bulb in?
Answer: Only one, but it takes a whole host of surgeons to take it out! OUCH!

Rim shot. Thus ends the inaugural edition of Fitz Says. I guess Fitz is giving Queen Hesh some serious competition for the infamous Bad Joke of the Weak! But I digress.

NOTE: The opinions expressed in "Fitz Says" are strictly the author's, and are not necessarily the views of King Hesh, Queen Hesh, and The Metal Master; not to mention LVRocks, its partners, subsidiaries, affiliates, shows, and advertisers. Any compliments, complaints and other general correspondence are to be directed to the author.

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Metal Master's Weak in Review is brought to you by the debut CD by King Hesh, "Rude Dudes".


King Hesh, uncompensated endorser.

Awwwwwwwwwriiiiiiiiiight, duuuuuuuudes! I couldn't find anyone to sponsor the WIR, dudes, so I'm going to plug my new CD, dudes! It's called "Rude Dudes", dudes! It's a totally bitchin' collection of songs, dudes!

"Rude Dudes" features classic cover tunes, such as:

Dude Looks Like a Lady
Don't Call Me Dude
All the Young Dudes

I love young dudes, dudes! But wait! I have some killer originals too, dudes! Check out these scorching tunes, dudes:

Another Rainy Night Without Dudes
Gonna Get Close To Dudes
Holy Wars - The Punishment, Dude
The Call of Ktudude (Instrumental)
Sad, But Dude!
I Was Made For Lovin' Dudes
Murder in the Dude Morgue
Bad Seamstress Dudes
Shotgun Dudes
Sweet Dude O' Mine
I Wanna Touch Dudes

The first 5 CDs ordered will be autographed by King Hesh, dudes! Act now to reserve your copy of "Rude Dudes", dudes!

I'd bet money that the first 5 CDs ordered will be the last 5 CDs ordered. But I digress.

Felicitations are in order to Mokadeth, as he was once again crowned Prince Hesh. Way to go, dude! Due to his dominance, changes will be made in the coming weeks to the structure of Heshology. However, the King will still have another killer CD from the Era of Hair up for grabs in the month of August. Listen to the show for details on how you can participate!



In a rare show of democracy in the Heshocracy that is the Kingdom of Hesh, there was a runoff election for the Birthday Hesh Block. Initially, there were 7 bands to choose from. A 4-way tie convinced the King to have a runoff election, at which point Enuff Z'Nuff finally garnered enough votes to be declared the winner. This process seemed to take longer than the fiasco in Florida last year concerning hanging chads. But I digress.


Sausage break.

In a stunning development, Mokadeth was selected by Queen Hesh as the winner of the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak. What a shock! What a surprise! Way to throw us a curve, Queenie! Ok, enough sarcasm. Mok apparently earned the rip for winning being crowned Prince Hesh for the month of July. Yawn.

It's time to bring this train into the station. But before I do, it's time to name the Poseur of the Weak. As usual, I had many candidates to choose from. However, after indulging in transient nodes of thought for hours, I could only come to one conclusion. And the winner is:

ThrashAnn!


Why did TA get it, you ask? How could I be so cruel to such a sweet person, you say? My dear readers, TA made a compelling case for the honor on the message board, as she shamelessly lobbied for LVRocks most prestigious award.

ThrashAnn, in her own words on why she deserved the POTW:

"With me it is not so much what I do here, but what I do NOT:"

1) NOT in the chatroom (dropped by once to vote for SLAYER)

2) NOT sending pic for Loyal Sausage Page

3) NOT following Hesh Games rules here

4) NOT taking part in Heshology

5) NOT growing 'stache

There you have it, folks. I am most thankful that TA is not growing a 'stache. But I digress.

This cheap beer and old Mexican food is catching up with me, so I'm outta here. Tune in next week to hear the George Lynch interview! Tune in to see if the Info-Dude will call in! Tune in to hear about the latest changes to the Kingdom of Hesh! This is your Poet Laureate, The Metal Master, reporting live from the bog and about to wipe. C-YA!