07/24 - July 23: Smells Like King Hesh


Hail and Kill! This is your Poet Laureate, bringing you yet another edition of my critically-acclaimed look into the world that is the Kingdom of Hesh. In this week's episode, I shall recap everything from the King's interview with Britny Fox/Doro skinsman Johnny Dee, to yet another phone call from the Info-Dude. Plus, Heshology results, a word from our sponsor, and much, much more. Without further ado, let's get this party started!


The King's toilet rebels.

King Hesh - The Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!) proved why it's LVRocks mostly highly rated hair metal show. The Loyal Subjects came out in force, as the King played deep tracks from the days or yore. As the music played, the Assembled Masses typed furiously at their keyboards, dissertating on such subject matter as the current Kiss tour, the Fitzroy James Dio 'stache scandal, and why the Canadian government recently approved the terrorist-sympathizing Al-Jazeera network to broadcast in Canada. Oh Canada indeed. But I digress.


Canada is not just aboot beer, hockey, and WWE Diva Trish Stratus, eh?

Somewhere south of Canada lies the burbling metropolis of Philadelphia, home to such musical luminaries as Hall and Oates, the O'Jays, and Cinderella. Also hailing from the City of Brotherly Love is Britny Fox, the authors of such hits as "Girlschool", "Long Way To Love", and "Dream On". Which brings us to the King's interview with Britny Fox drummer Johnny Dee!


It's not the length of your hair. It's how you use it.

What we learned about Johnny Dee:

1) Johnny is currently bashing the skins for metal goddess Doro Pesch.

2) He misses the 1980s. "It was a fun time, before everyone got angry," said Johnny.

3) "I'm permanently baked. I don't even need to use any substances." I guess Johnny is high on life. But I digress.

4) He isn't banging Doro Pesch.

5) The Queen asked Johnny her patented member measurement question. Johnny sounded exasperated at first. "Aww, come on," he sighed. He diverted attention from his measurements by asking the Queen about the size of her hooters. "34DD", stated Queen Hesh proudly (and without hesitation, I might add.) After much evasiveness, Johnny settled on 7 1/2 inches as the size of his flesh rocket.

6) You can actually go to the Britny Fox Official Website and see the members of Britny Fox' members. However, you must become a member of the site in order to view the members' members. Say that five times fast. But I digress.

7) Johnny got 2 out of 3 snippets correct when the King tested his Heshness. Dee was crestfallen after getting stumped on the last snippet. "I'm not worthy, bro." Better luck next time, dude.


Gratuitous Doro Pesch shot.

Special thanks to Johnny for hanging out with the Hesh-A-Lites for the better part of a half hour. Don't forget to tune in next week when Leatherwolf drummer Dean Roberts makes his triumphant entrance into the Kingdom of Hesh!

To make up for the Doro Pesch picture, King Hesh has commanded me, his Poet Laureate, to immediately commence with the Loyal Sausage Page Update. Rumor has it that King Hesh isn't the only fan of the Loyal Sausage Page. But I digress.


In this shot, LVRocks resident web guru Jimmy Diggs (pictured on the bottom) wins a bet with King Hesh. The King comes up short again.

The Loyal Sausage Page is still all sausage, all the time. Ladies, for the love of metal, submit your pictures now. NOTE: nude pictures of our female audience are not only accepted, but also encouraged! Do it now!

Mokadeth is far ahead of the pack in Heshology. Yawn.

And now, a word from our sponsor.


Metal Master's Weak in Review is sponsored by:

NATIONAL BAKED BEAN MONTH


Awwwwwwriiiiiiiiight, duuuuuuuuudes! I, the Royal Monarch of the Kingdom of Hesh, have done deep for yet another bitchin' sponsor, dudes! Did you know that July is National Baked Bean Month, dudes? Baked beans have been popular in North America since before the Pilgrims landed on the eastern shores, dudes. Although many people think of Boston as the birthplace of the recipe, according to the National Restaurant Association, the Narragansett, Penobscot, and Iroquois Indians created the first baked bean recipes, dudes. Scholars believe that the Pilgrims learned how to make baked beans from the Native Americans, usually substituting molasses and pork fat for the maple syrup and bear fat, dudes. During colonial days, Boston became the place that was famous for baked beans, hence the Boston Baked Beans that we’ve all heard of, and the reason that Boston received the nickname of "Beantown", dudes.

Enough of the history lesson, dudes. I used to be able to hear my farts after eating beans, dudes! Now it just sounds like steam escaping, dudes! Celebrate National Baked Bean Month, dudes!

And now, back to Metal Master's Weak in Review.

In lieu of wasting valueless time on Queen Hesh's utterly lame Bad Joke of the Weak, I submit the following poetry for your edification:

The Ballad of Pisspot Pete

There was a young girl named Sally Brown
Who swore no man in the land could get her down
So over the hill came Pisspot Pete
Who had 15 pounds of swinging meat
He took Sally in the grass
Stuck his dick right up her ass
Sally laid a tremendous fart
Which blew Pete's balls 10 miles apart
So over the hill ran Pisspot Pete
With 15 pounds of shredded meat
So now is the time in this review of Hesh
For me to say "But I digress."

Enough entertainment. It's time to get back to discussing King Hesh!


The Info-Dude, pictured here during an audition for Fox News Channel.

The ubiquitous Info-Dude called in with a dramatic warning, telling King Hesh that the Hesh Terrorist Network would attack the show before it was over. The show came and went, and absolutely nothing happened. The King is definitely getting what he paid for! But I digress.


You know you want a hit.

The latest winner of the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak undoubtedly appreciates the above picture. And just who is that winner, you ask?




Yes, it's our metal neighbor who resides in the north, CALM1! Whilst I'm not entirely clear on what CALM did to earn the honor, I'm happy for him nonetheless. If you get a chance, check out his killer show on www.radio306.com!


I have already spent way too much time creating this masterwork. However, I am obligated to name the Poseur of the Weak. Suffice it to say that there were many deserving Hesh-A-Lites, but I received an e-mail from someone that sealed their fate. Your winner is:


MIKE VOD!!!

Here's the e-mail that decided the Poseur of the Weak:

who does the hesh thing,i dont fuck sheep never use my photos ever again

Eloquent as always. But I digress. In answer to his first question about who does the Hesh thing, it's called Metal Master's Weak in Review. Hmm. I wonder who writes it? King Hesh? Queen Hesh? Loyal Listener Caz Kingston? Diggs, perhaps? That's a tough one. Maybe, just maybe, one day, we'll get an answer to who writes Metal Master's Weak in Review. But I digress.

As for the second part of the e-mail, I did not post a photo per his request. We all appreciate him clearing up the sheep issue, though! But I digress. Again.

I'm off to Never Neverland. Tune in next week to see if the King chastises the Info-Dude! Tune in to hear what Leatherwolf drummer Dean Roberts has to say! Tune in to see if Loyal Lister Caz will show up for the third week in a row!

This is yours truly, your Poet Laureate, the Master of All That is Truly Metal, the most electrifying man on LVRocks today, reporting live from Tobacco Road. C-YA!