07/19 - July 16: Fly to the Angels


Salutations, Hesh-A-Lites! Much to my chagrin, it’s that time of the week where I put pen to paper, and recap the madness that is King Hesh – The Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!)


”Big Bottom” indeed. Nigel Tufnel would be proud.

In this week’s episode, I’ll be discussing a gaggle of topics, which include an Heshology update, a Loyal Listener Caz sighting, as well as amusing bits from the Kevin Steele interview. There’s also a very special Killer Bong Rip of the Weak, which you won’t want to miss. Enough of the prologue - it’s time to make the doughnuts!


King Hesh should aspire to more noble pursuits, like using his sausage to fill doughnuts instead of chocolate starfish. But I digress.

Ah, the King Hesh Show. Nowhere else will you find his special blend of hair metal, thrash metal, marijuana use, and acceptance of alternative lifestyles. The King delivered by going deep into the playlist, pulling out such Era of Hair classics as “The Secret” by Lynch Mob, “Girl Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away) by Motley Crue, and “Angel of Death” by Slayer.

The Assembled Masses were also treated to a trifecta of ballads during the Poontang Playlist, a triple shot of pure thrash during the Thrasher Threesome, and a triad of tunes from Dio during the Birthday Hesh Block. “For the Love of Money” by the BulletBoys was the Mother Metal Most Downloaded Song of the Week. If you’d like to request a tune, e-mail the King on the Be Heard page at www.kinghesh.com, or make a request in the chatroom. Just like the King at a gay bar, it’s free and easy! But I digress.

The chatroom was crackling with electricity, as the masses of Hesh-A-Lites discussed everything from music, to beer, to Mike Vod missing his first show in months.


Speak of the devil.

Most of the usual suspects were in attendance, but kudos to Craven Morehead for not only his first appearance in the Kingdom, but also having the most creative name as well. Funny stuff, dude! The Assembled Masses were also graced by an in-studio appearance of non other than Loyal Listener Caz Kingston! This marks Caz’ fourth appearance in 3 years, which is actually more times than he’s showed up at work over the same time span. But I digress.

As much as it pains me, I must give the King credit where credit is due, as he’s lining up some killer interviews! This week, he did a live interview with Roxx Gang/Mojo Gurus frontman Kevin Steele via telephone.


This is the photo that prompted King Hesh to give Kevin a call.

What we learned about Kevin Steele:

1) Kevin is “…rich with memories”, as opposed to actually rich with money.

2) Roxx Gang and the Mojo Gurus are actually the same band, featuring the same band members.

3) His favorite touring experience was opening for Alice Cooper.

4) “Red Rose” was inspired by the tragic death of Kevin’s best friend.

5) The Queen asked her infamous penis size question, and Kevin responded in a big way. He claims to not have actually measured the cock in question, but he gave it the ol’ college try. “I can really only guestimate around 9 inches”, stated Steele. Don’t we all. But I digress.

6) King Hesh was so impressed by the size of Steele’s schlong, that he forgot to test his Heshness! Queen, please remember to ask the cock question AFTER the King tests the guest’s Heshness. But I digress. Again.

Everyone had a great time. Thanks for being a good sport, Kevin! Don’t forget to tune in next week as the King and Queen interview Britny Fox skinsman Johnny Dee!

I’ve just finished scouring the ends of the earth to provide you material for this next segment. Yes Hesh-A-Lites it’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. It’s now time for the Loyal Sausage Page Update!


In tribute to Kevin Steele. To coin a phrase from the mad Aussie Fitzroy James Dio: Respect!

Unfortunately, the Loyal Sausage Page is still sausage 24/7. None of the ladies who listen to the show have yet to step up to the plate and submit a photo. I guess they’re intimidated by the size of the sausages on the page. The size is quite frightening to be sure. Time will tell if a brave soul that has a doughnut will join the Loyal Sausage Page and break the sausage monopoly!

Heshology was more of the same, only less of it. Round 2 provided the only drama, as yours truly missed a golden opportunity to gain some rungs on Mokadeth. Instead, Mok threw a dart at a dartboard and correctly guessed that Exodus was the snippet played. Although Mok only got it correct on his second guess, yours truly failed to correctly guess it at all. Ironic, given my nickname. But I digress. Here are the standings for the month of July:

1) Mokadeth – 16 rungs
2) The Metal Master – 8 rungs
3) KrokusIsBack, CALM 1, Fitzroy James Dio, and Atomic PoP – 4 rungs

And now, a word from our sponsor.

This King Hesh – The Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!) Weak in Review is brought to you by Totally Bad, the official ‘80s gay pride kickoff party!





King Hesh, uncompensated endorser.

Awwwwwwwriiiiiiight, dudes! The King has secured yet another totally bitchin’ sponsor, dudes! Join me and the Assembled Asses at Totally Bad, the official ‘80s gay pride kickoff party, dudes! This is a great place to meet dudes, dudes! It features DJ Superstar Lollipop spinning totally bitchin’ ‘80s tunes from Culture Club, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, and George Michael (solo and with Wham!), dudes! Don’t forget to participate in the Underground Drag Show, dudes! It just hurts so good, dudes! Remember, dudes, at Totally Bad, it doesn’t matter if you’re pitching or catching, dudes – you’re still in the game, dudes!

And now, back to Metal Master’s Weak in Review.

Yes, my dear readers, you love me now. But will you respect me in the morning? But I digress.

I rarely use the word “chagrin” more than once in a WIR, but I’ll have to make an exception this week. Much to the chagrin of the Assembled Masses, Queen Hesh told her patented Bad Joke of the Weak. All was not lost, as Hesh-A-Lites all over this vast planet we call earth, indulged in such meaningful duties as reloading their bongs, going for beer runs, and take the all-important shit, whilst the Queen recited her painfully unfunny joke. I never understood why going to the bog is called “taking a shit.” When I “take a shit”, I actually leave a shit. But I digress.

There were many worthy candidates for LVRocks most coveted award, the Poseur of the Weak. Here are the nominees:

1) Yours truly, for failing to recognize the Exodus snippet in round 2 of Heshology.

2) King Hesh, for fixating over Kevin Steele’s 9-incher and forgetting to test his Heshness.

3) Mike Vod, for his usual nonsense.

After much thought and many beers, the winner of the Poseur of the Weak award is none other than…



Fitzroy James Dio, the saucy Aussie!

Fitz earns his first POTW for false advertising. Despite the Captain Hook grade ‘stache on his picture, Fitz’ face is actually smoother than a baby’s bottom! Whilst he has assured the assembled masses that his whiskers are growing as we speak, it is a travesty that a man who has done so much to bring the ‘stache to public awareness, does not in fact sport the ‘stache! For shame! Hopefully, Fitz will right this wrong and grow a proper butt broom for all to envy. RESPECT!

That’s all the news that’s fit to print. Tune in next week to see if Fitz has made progress on growing his ‘stache! Tune in to see if the Queen flashes her huge hooters for all to see! Tune in to see if the King will test Johnny Dee’s Heshness!

This your Poet Laureate, The Metal Master, your humble scribe, simply the most electrifying man on LVRocks today, reporting live from the Right Coast. C-YA!

POST SCRIPT



As many of you are aware, Tim “Jammer” Roberts’ daughter Kelsey passed away after a hard-fought battle with cancer. Kelsey Jane Roberts was a beautiful young lady, who faced her illness with bravery and with grace. It has been wonderful to see the LVRocks family come together during this most difficult time in support of Tim and his wife Gerelyn. Kelsey flies with the angels now, and is no doubt smiling at her parents in appreciation of the unconditional love and support that she received from them during her short life. During the show, the King and Queen gave a heartfelt bong rip to the Roberts family. My condolences go out to the Roberts family, and may they find the strength and peace to survive this most difficult time.