07/11 - July 9: King Hesh Fined By HCC


Alright dudes and dudettes! Welcome to what the critics have coined "...a true diary of a madman..." Yes, it's time for *drum roll please* Metal Master's Weak in Review! I'm your host, The Metal Master, and I'm here to update you on the latest and greatest happenings on King Hesh - The Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!). Without further ado, let's get this show on the road!


Now Playing: the legendary Spinal Tap. From left to right: Derek Smalls, David St. Hubbins, and Nigel Tufnel.

Ah, Spinal Tap. The name of that band reminds me of how painful it is to listen to the King Hesh show. But I digress.


Spinal Tap guitarist Nigel Tufnel has been participating in the chatroom during the show. Well, at least someone using that handle. But I digress.

The King's ineptitude didn't prevent yet another killer show from unfolding. The playlist included bitchin' tunes from Lynch Mob, Metal Church, Def Leppard, Winger, Megadeth, L.A. Guns, and much more. Did I just use the word "bitchin'"? Geez. King Hesh, the show guaranteed to suck out any brain cells you might have left. But I digress.

The King's ineptitude did get him in serious trouble with the Hesh Communication Commission, however. After bumbling around the studio for what seemed like eons, he finally figured out how to hit the play button on his answering machine. Once that major mystery was solved for King Heinous, he played a message from HCC watchdog Michael C. Clopps. According the nasal-voiced Clopps, Agent Tile found the King in violation of HCC Regulation 28.420, which specifically states that all broadcasts must be done from a registered location. According to Clopps, Agent Tile had discovered that King Hesh had in fact done part of last week's show from a non-registered location.

What does this mean to you and I? Absolutely nothing, other than a good laugh at the King's expense. Speaking of expense, the King will have to dip into his pot fund to pay the steep fines levied by the HCC. Our bumbling monarch eloquently voiced his outrage at the fines, stating, "That's totally heinous, dudes!"


Don’t forget to e-mail your questions to King Hesh for his Wednesday interview with George Lynch, which will air at a later date.

King Hesh, allow your Poet Laureate to help. Have you ever tried a thesaurus? No, it's not a dinosaur, dumb ass. It's a handy reference guide that can expand your vocabulary. Like, instead of saying, "totally heinous, dude", you could say "unmitigatedly flagitious, my good man." How cool is that? You might not know what you're saying, but you'll have the added benefit of everyone else not knowing what your saying either!



WIR NEWS FLASH! I have just received a communiqué from the Kingdom of Hesh Info-Dude. Here's what he has to say:

We are in control. Clicking on the doobie on the King Hesh web page will yield nothing! There will be no sounds from clicking on that joint! They are in a state of hysteria. These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying. Their failure in this regard is abysmal. Do not click on the marijuana cigarette on the King Hesh site! The King expressly forbids it! King Hesh will roast their stomachs in hell! He will smite them with the urine of a camel! He will grill their tiny phalluses on a kabob over open flame! They are like a snake and we are going to cut it in pieces. We are winning the war, and it is still my belief that we will win the war.

Alrighty then. You heard it here first, Hesh-A-Lites!

Now it's time for the highest rated segment of my WIR, as voted on by Metal Master’s Weak in Review Premium Members. For the uninitiated, welcome to the latest installment of the Loyal Sausage Page Update!


This is Harry Hotpants, Jimmy Diggs personal assistant. You can see him here assisting with the Loyal Sausage Page. Harry not only works with the Loyal Sausage Page, he's an expert at tossing salad!

As you can tell, the Loyal Sausage Page is still living up to its name. I even went the extra mile to show you fresh sausage. How cool is that? But I digress.

Heshology, a musical "name the band from the Era of Hair" game, yielded the same old contestants with the same old results. For those that care, here's the pecking order so far:

Mokadeth - 12 rungs
CALM, The Metal Master, and KrokusIsBack - 4 rungs each

With the scoring this low, it's not too late to jump into the fray and participate in Heshology! Up for grabs this month is Alice Cooper's Era of Hair masterpiece, appropriately titled "Trash".



This edition of Metal Master's Weak in Review is brought you by WASP's new CD, "The Neon Vod".




Allllllriiiiiight, duuuuuuuuudes! The King has gone deep for another totally bitchin' sponsor this week, dudes. "The Neon Vod" is a classic, dudes. It's the story of a man, his sausage, and his Yahoo! whack-off group, dudes. I'm not only a member, I'm also a client dudes! The cover shows a scene where Vod's whack-off group worships him holding his sausage, dudes! There are great tunes on there, dudes! Check 'em out:

I Don't Need No Lube
The Vod Shot
Stiff Socks
Animal (Fuck Like a Sheep)
Beat Yourself Blind
Blind in Texas
The Stroke
L.O.V.E. Matcheen
Make Love (To Your Hand)
The Five-Knuckle Shuffle
Big Ten Divided By Five-Inch Record
Beat It
Love the One You're With

Support sausage, self-love, safer sex, and duuuuudes! Go out and buy "The Neon Vod" today, duuuuudes!

And now, back to Metal Master's Weak in Review.

That's one album that won't be gracing my CD rack. But I digress.

King Hesh set a Kingdom record by telling the Queen to "Shutthefuckupbitch" just 15 minutes into the show. Apparently, the lack of fiber in the King's diet has left him cranky and irritable. But I digress.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the Queen for not telling her Bad Joke of the Weak. I also wish she would've skipped the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak as well. But I digress.

And the winner of the KBROTWis...

MOKADETH!

Mokadeth graciously accepts his Killer Bong Rip of the Weak.

There's but only one thing left for me to do, and do it I must. The Poseur of the Weak needs to be given to a deserving individual. Winning by a landslide, for the fourth time in 6 weeks is none other than...

MIKE VOD!!!



Mike gets it for his inane comments on the message board concerning yours truly. Maybe one day he'll learn. But I digress.

I’ve had enough fun for one day. Tune in next week to see if the George Lynch interview will air! Tune in next week to see how much of a fine King Hesh will have to pay to the HCC! Tune in to see if the Info-Dude calls in with more info!

This is your Poet Laureate, yours truly, The Metal Master, reporting live from the Metal Church. To all of the Assembled Masses out there, thanks for reading! I bid you adieu! C-ya!