07/5 - July 2: OBD Invades the Kingdom of Hesh


Happy Independence Day, Hesh-A-Lites, and welcome to the latest edition of the ongoing saga that is Metal Master's Weak in Review!


Who would've thought back in 1776 that the original 13 colonies would evolve into 50 states and become a world power?

In this episode, I will endeavor to inform you, the listener, of the tawdry goings on in the Kingdom of Hesh. And if you read this WIR within the next 30 minutes, I'll throw in some comic relief at no additional charge. So grab a beer, light up your bong, and forget that you're heterosexual - it's time to enter into the wacky world that is King Hesh - The Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!)

As a way to honor America's 228th birthday, King Hesh played a full show of nothing but what he has dubbed " All Request Hesh Blocks". Yes Hesh-A-Lites, for once he played something you actually requested. How cool is that? But I digress.

At the King's behest, I will now list every single block that was played during the show, and who requested the block:

Dokken - King Hesh
Black 'N Blue - Calm1
Poison - Fitzroy James Dio

#1 Downloaded MotherMetal.com Block:
Last Weeks #1: Metal Shop - Big Boobs
This Week’s #1: Keel - The Final Frontier
(In the useless information department, Keel barely beat out Metal Shop this week, denying "Big Boobs" the chance to repeat as the most downloaded song of the week.)

Def Leppard - Metal Master
King Diamond - AtomicPop, who requested all songs off of the King Diamond classic "Abigail".
XYZ - Birthday Hesh Block, as voted on by the listeners in the chatroom
Old School Metallica - Onyx
Bon Jovi - Thrash Ann
Ratt - Mokadeth, who specifically requested "obscure Ratt." No need to ask for that, Mok. Ratt are pretty obscure in this day and age. But I digress.
Iron Maiden - Mandatory Maiden Block, which featured Wasted Years, Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter, and Murder In The Rue Morgue.)


This portrait was sketched at approximately the same time as Poison's last hit.

My transcription of the All Request Hesh Blocks is by no means complete. LVRocks mastermind and professional wrestling aficionado Jimmy Diggs requested that the King play three tunes from Black Sabbath's "Headless Cross" album. The King, citing a lack of 1980s output from Black Sabbath, denied the request. NOTE TO KING HESH: Black Sabbath released eight albums from 1980-1990. “The Headless Cross” was released during that timeframe. But I digress.

Instead of playing the requested Sabbath, King Heinous went on to play a block of Stryper. The chatroom bailed out quickly, as they ran to the bog, indulged in beer runs, and decided to ponder what their tax bills would be for next year.

But wait! Just as "To Hell With the Devil" was hitting the chorus, the piercing sound of a test signal penetrated the airwaves. Who could be so diabolical as to interrupt the show? Who would have the financial backing to knock King Hesh off the air? Who has big enough grapefruits to pull off a plan this bold? As the Assembled Masses heard a voice cackle with glee, they knew it could only be one man - Osama Bin Diggs!

OBD, pink turban and all, wasted no time in playing the requested Black Sabbath. Meanwhile, the King was in the studio jamming to Stryper, blissfully unaware that OBD had once again attacked his domain. The rather disloyal Loyal Subjects howled with delight as they laughed at the King's ignorance. Three songs later, order was restored to the Kingdom, and the last song of the Stryper block was heard.


The Info Dude, who was briefly a member of Def Leppard before scaling loftier heights.

As expected, the Info Dude called King Hesh during the show. As expected, the Info Dude called to warn the King that an attack from OBD was imminent. As expected, the Info Dude was a day late and a dollar short. As expected, the King thought it was totally heinous. The King, in a rare display of outrage, actually hung the phone up on the Info Dude. For those that heard the exchange between the King and the Info Dude, it was truly one of their funnier dialogues. Classic stuff!

Yeah, I know. Where's the Loyal Sausage Page Update? No need to complain any longer. You’re about to be injected with your weekly dose of sausage! I can't believe I just said that. But I digress. Onto the sausage!


Variety is the spice of life, and clearly, the Loyal Sausage page delivers. Does it bother anyone else that King Hesh just got a boner while looking at this picture? Me too. But I digress.

This synopsis of King Hesh, the Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!) is brought to you by...




Awwwwwwwwriiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhht duuuuuuuuuudes! The King is going to do a shameless plug here, dudes. Crusher has joined me in bringing Sausage Fest 2004 to you, dudes! It's all about the sausage, dudes. We've booked some totally bitchin' bands, dudes. Scheduled to appear are the following:

NUDIST PRIEST will be headlining, dudes!


Homocore legends Pansy Division will open up, dudes!


Special guest Elton John will be presiding over commitment ceremonies, dudes!


Join Crusher and I in this heartfelt tribute to the sausage, dudes!

DISCLAIMER: Metal Reigns, its subsidiaries, sponsors, and employees, are not affiliated with SausageFest 2004. In other words, METAL REIGNS isn't involved with this project in any way, shape, or form. SausageFest 2004 is an exclusive production of King Hesh, Incorporated. Future rebroadcast without written consent of King Hesh and his affiliates is strictly forbidden.

And now, back to Metal Master's Weak in Review.

Alrighty then! I certainly hope you've had your fill of sausage today. But I digress.


Don't you just love King Hesh's political statements?

The previous picture foreshadows the very next segment of this WIR. Without further ado, the winner of the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak went to OBD, and his terrorist group Bin Sync!



Suffice it to say that the Assembled Masses were quite pleased with the Queen's selection!

Well Hesh-A-Lites, it's time for me to make like Iron Maiden and run to the hills. After all, I do have a life, and have to work in order to support my online writing excursions. But before I go, I would be neglectful if I didn't give out LVRocks most coveted award, the Poseur of the Weak!

And the winner is...



Yes, I had to award it to myself this week. Why? For the following infractions:

1) For requesting a Def Leppard Hesh Block. No big deal normally, but The Metal Master nickname just didn't seem to fit here.

2) For showing up late.

3) For being late with this WIR.

There you have it, Hesh-A-Lites. For those that were there, you got to relive some pretty funny memories. For those that weren't, I hope this sneak peek into the world that is Hesh gave you some insight into one of the internet's truly unique shows. But I digress.


You really didn't think you were going to get a Vod-free WIR, did you?

Tune in next week to find out if OBD will be on the prowl! Tune in to find out if the Info Dude still has a job! Tune in to find out if the King will finally get a decent sponsor!

This is your Poet Laureate, the Rasputin of writers, the Hemingway of the Kingdom of Hesh, the Shakespeare of LVRocks, the man, the myth, the legend in his own mind, yours truly, The Metal Master, reporting from The River of Love. For the uninitiated, that was an obscure reference to a Lynch Mob song. In addition, it was put there as a reminder to make sure you e-mail your questions for George Lynch to King Hesh this week! But I digress. C-ya next week!