06/27 - June 25: War and Peace


Hail and Kill! The most loquacious dude on LVRocks is back for the attack. Welcome to a staple of King Hesh, the Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!) and the LVRocks fine family of entertainment. Yes, it's time for my weekly ode to all that is Hesh. So sit down, shut up, and hold on...this is Metal Master's Weak in Review!


You're next, King Hesh.

As I've undoubtedly stated before, the King Hesh Show (and Queen Hesh!) was founded on the principles of pot, hair metal, and the right to have a good time. I think I nailed the order of importance in the previous sentence. But I digress.

The King toked on his bong as he played a bevy of tunes from the Era of Hair. The playlist included such stalwarts as Bon Jovi, Motley Crue, Testament, Megadeth, and Dokken. METAL REIGNS host Crusher's favorite band WASP was the featured artist in the Birthday Hesh Block, while Metal Shop's "Big Boobs" was the Mother Metal Most Downloaded Song of the Weak. On cue, the Queen bared her titanic teats for all of the Kingdom of Hesh to ogle at.

Former Dokken bassist Jeff Pilson graced the Assembled Masses with his presence via telephone interview with the King. Mokadeth clocked the call at 35 minutes and 30 seconds, so kudos to Jeff for taking some time to chat!


It's not the size of the bass. It's how you use it.

What we learned about Jeff Pilson:

1) His favorite bassline for a song he's performed on is "Jaded Heart", off of Dokken's "Under Lock and Key" album.

2) Jeff makes his living mostly as a record producer.

3) Don Dokken was late for a concert in 2000, so Jeff filled in on lead vocals for the first 3 songs. I was at that show, and he did a great job!

4) He enjoys working with George Lynch, but due to conflicting schedules, they were unable to tour behind the Lynch/Pilson CD.

5) Being a married man and father to a new child, Jeff was reluctant to answer the Queen's schlong size query. "That seems like a very private question," stated Pilson. "I’m going to keep you guessing."



To finish off the interview, the King played some new tunes from the new War and Peace CD entitled "The Walls Have Eyes", which is Jeff's latest project. Thanks to Jeff for coming on the show, and be sure to check out the new CD!.

I've received many e-mails from people commenting on my WIR, who want to know one thing: Just who are the people on the Loyal Sausage page? Have no fear, my adoring public. I will put forth the answers you seek in this latest edition of the Loyal Sausage Page Update!


From left to right: The Metal Master, Diggs, Mokadeth, CALM, and FitzroyJamesDio. Pictured in the jar (in no particular order) are Mike Vod, King Hesh, Dyno Don, Caz_Kingston, KrokusisBack, pOiSoN-sToNe, CyberSorcerer, and Gadget.

I can't wait to see the hate mail, I mean e-mail I get after the Assembled Masses see this! But I digress.

Mokadeth proved that he's true Hesh after being crowned Prince Hesh for the month of June. Any hopes of a Mok-A-Choke were squashed after he answered round 1 correctly, guaranteeing him the win. However, Mok didn't stop there, as he correctly answered the next 2 rounds to score the Hesh Trick. Way to go, Mok! July starts another month of Heshology, so participate for your chance to win a classic CD from the Era of Hair!


And now, a work from our sponsor. This King Hesh (and Queen Hesh!) Weak in Review is brought to you by….

Nudist Priest!


King Hesh, Nudist Priest's #1 Groupie

Awwwwwwwwriiiiight, duuuuuuudes! The King is just amazed at the star power I've been able to get to sponsor this WIR, dudes. Having Nudist Priest sponsor my show is a dream come true, dudes. These guys play Judas Priest tunes in the buff, dudes! The guitarist's sausage is swinging as he's playing hot licks, dudes. The vocalist sings into a microphone...while I sing into HIS mic, dudes. The bass player slaps the strings with his schlong, dudes. And the drummer beats the drums with his meat, dudes. ALL HAIL NUDIST PRIEST!!!

And now, back to Metal Master's Weak in Review.

Just when I think this WIR can't get any lower, the elevator goes down even more. But I digress.

The Queen wasn't feeling well, and had to leave early. Get well soon Queen! However, her absence didn't derail the awarding of the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak.


President of the United States of America George W. Bush handed out this week's KBROTW.

Surprisingly, despite getting a Hesh Trick and becoming the current Prince Hesh, Mokadeth didn't win the KBROTW. It was decided that none other than our resident Canadian metalhead CALM 1 was deserving of the honor!




Why did CALM win it, you ask? Sometimes it's prudent to answer one question with another. Hasn't Mokadeth gotten the KBROTW enough? Sheesh! Bit I digress.

All good things must come to an end, which includes this WIR. However, it is only right for me to see through one more task before I depart into the hinterlands, which is to award the Poseur of the Weak. There were numerous candidates, and the competition was fierce. Here are the nominees:

1) Carlos Santana, for saying that America is an ignorant country, and for calling Caucasians "corny-ass white people". Sounds like he needs to move to another country to me.


Mr. Peace and Love himself, worshipping the money of corny-ass white people.

2) KrokusisBack, for not showing up the last few weeks, although he has a segment on the show. Plus, ditch the pink shirt, man.



3) Dyno Don, who has all but disappeared.



However, in the end, their robust efforts weren't enough to overcome the brains behind METAL REIGNS.




Congratulations to Mike Vod for scoring his third Poseur of the Weak award, and for getting an automatic berth into the Poseur of the Year qualifier! Once again, Mikey felt the need to send some correspondence my way via e-mail. It appears he was a bit miffed about the Stacheman and Vod the Boy Blunder dialogue I posted on the message board. Oh well. I thought he'd be ecstatic about how ripped he looks in the Boy Blunder suit. But I digress.

That about does it for yet another WIR. Tune in next week to hear some killer metal memories! Tune in to see if the Queen will expose her rack! Tune in to see if the Assembled Asses overrun the chatroom!

This is your righteous reporter, your Poet Laureate, the scribe with the skills, the most electrifying man on LVRocks today, yours truly, The Metal Master, reporting live from the gypsy road. C-ya next week!