04/25 - The Poet Laureate Returns


Here ye! Hear ye! Salutations to the assembled masses who make up the Kingdom That Is Hesh. It's great to be back as Poet Laureate of the Court King and Queen Hesh, and I look forward to proffering my humble prose to the masses henceforth. However, to bum a phrase from Hall of Fame NFL coach Vince Lombardi, "What the hell is goin' on here?" The King calls me the "Poet Jester" in the press release, "Weak in Review" is written as "Week in Review" on this very site, and the listener photo section is listed as "The Loyal Subjects" instead of "The Assembled Masses". To quote one of the leading philosophical minds of our time, WWE Superstar The Hurricane - "What's up with that?" But I digress. Let's get this show on the road, as I embark to verbally slash the tires of the bitchin' Camaro. Allegorically and figuratively, of course. No actual tires will be harmed in the making of this Weak in Review. Let's get it on!

Oops, I almost forgot. Executives behind "King Hesh - The Hair Apparent" are shopping the show to top radio executives around the nation and the world, so I am obligated to issue the following warning before bloviating further -
Now that my legal obligations have been satiated, let's get to the music! King Hesh was masterful in playing his special mix of late '80s to early '90s metal, spinning everything from moribund ballads during the Poontang Playlist to crushing speed metal during the Thrasher Threesome. In a true show of democracy under the King, the assembled masses voted on the Birthday Hesh Block. Hurricane was the unanimous winner, beating out a bevy of bands including Dream Theater, Winger, Def Leppard, Lynch Mob, Faith No More, and the Bullet Boys. The King also gave the assembled masses the opportunity to vote for the Metallicut of the Night. The Metallicut is selected from the golden age of Metallica pre-1991. "For Whom the Bell Tolls" was the verdict rendered by the assembled masses. The King also played a plethora of requests, which included Ratt, Roxx Gang, Kix, Dream Theater, Great White, and Megadeth. Thus ends the musical portion of this magnum opus.

Heshology took a strange turn this week, as all contestants got round 1 wrong. Only yours truly got round 2 correct, albeit on the second guess. Round 3 provided yet another twist as every participant correctly named the band on their first guess. The winner this month will receive a CD of the Guns 'n' Roses classic "Appetite For Destruction". With one week to go, the standings are as follows:
KrokusisBack - 46 rungs
The Metal Master and Mokadeth - tied with 39 rungs
pOiSoNsToNe - 27 rungs

The chatroom was full of the usual diehards that make up the Kingdom of Hesh. CyberSorcerer, KrokusisBack, The Metal Master, Diggs, pOiSoNsToNe, and Wildone69 were just a few of the assembled masses in attendance. Current Heshology Champion Mokadeth finally showed up after the second round of Heshology. Conspicuous in his absence was CALM1, although he did provide his Retrograde News Wire for the King to play over the air. The chatroom featured lively discussion, topics ranging from music to the King Hesh's sexual preference. And now, a word from our sponsor....


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You'd think for once the King would line up a record label or a band as a sponsor. But I digress. Queen Hesh sentenced yet another joke to death with her never imitated but often duplicated segement Queen Hesh's Bad Joke of the Weak. As the Queen rambled on with her joke, King Hesh smoked his bong while the assembled masses cleared out of the chatroom to smoke, replenish adult beverages, and leave deposits in their respective toilets. There's much to be said for truth in advertising, and the Queen is to be commended for it. However, she is not to be commended for her selection for the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak. After much deliberation, debate, consultation, and masterbation, the Queen bestowed the honor to none other than the reigning Prince Hesh Mokadeth. The chatroom was bewildered that Mok would even be considered for the KBROTW. Yours truly deserved consideration due to having the most Heshology rungs this week, agreeing to waste my weekends writing this damn WIR, and calling into the show. KrokusisBack deserved consideration for calling in and winning a free 2004 Sapphire Gentlemen's Club Calendar. pOiSoNsToNe deserved consideration for winning the 2004 Olympic Garden Men of Olympus calendar. The Queen's choice of Mokadeth for the KBROTW made my choice for the Poseur of the Weak an easy one. The winner is Queen Hesh, for the aforementioned outrage.

There you have it, Hesahlites. Tune in next week to find out who will win Heshology! Tune in to see if Osama Bin Diggs, Brotha Malcolm, and the Kingdom of Hesh Info-Dude have an impact! Tune in to find out if the Queen can actually award the KBROTW to a person who deserved it! This is yours truly, your humble correspondant, the Poet Laureate of the Court of King and Queen Hesh, the Master of All That is Truly Metal, the most electrifying man on LVRocks today, the Rasputin of writers, reporting live from just South of Heaven. It's great to be back. C-ya next week!