10/24 - Oct 22: Great White Banned From Playlist


(Kingdom of Hesh Wire Services) - I am The Metal Master, the Poet Laureate to the court of King and Queen Hesh. As the official scribe, it is my duty to encapsulate the events that happened (or should’ve happened) during King Hesh – The Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!) So pack your pipe, fill your glass, and get comfortable – this is Metal Master’s Weak in Review!


This dog seems to get what some running for elected office don’t.

There’s no shortage of news to report in the Kingdom this week. By the King’s command, there is now a Heshatorium on all of Great White’s music, due to Jack Russell failing to show up for an interview. No Great White songs will be played until the King gets an explanation from Jack or his publicist. As you may recall, Jack was named as the Poseur of the Weak in the previous WIR, and is a candidate for the Hesh Hall of Shame. I guess Jack was too busy jacking off, or crawling into a bottle of Jack Daniels while reminiscing about the days when he used to be a rock star. But I digress.

The chatroom was insane, as the King suffered from another Attack of the Clones. Numerous people changed their chatroom handles to King-Hesh, King Hesh, kinghesh, and other derivates of the monarch’s name. “That’s totally heinous, dudes,” the King opined. Later on, the many fans of Jimmy Diggs did likewise for him. FitzroyJamesDio and SexyTiggy were sparring verbally, but were later busted by the King as they were in a compromising position. “SexyTiggy gave me a soft-on that will never be matched,” stated Fitz.


Talent. Pure, unadulterated talent.

Hold your horses. This is not the return of the Loyal Sausage Page Updated, but merely a public service announcement for British Sausage Week, which will be celebrated this year from October 25-31. The British Sausage Appreciation Society organizes this appreciation of the tubular pork product, as the taste and variety of the sausage has over 400 individually named varieties in Britain alone.

The popularity of the British Banger continues to grow every year, with a very vocal fan base. No more so is this evident than in British Sausage Week with thousands of people getting involved in activities across the United Kingdom. By launching the Banger Awards we are looking to recognize sausage supporters throughout the country for their personal contribution and dedication to the Great British sausage; be that your mum, school cook, butcher, chef, local farmer or restaurant.

I encourage everyone to join our friends across the pond in saluting the sausage! RESPECT!

As you’re no doubt aware, I’m in the process of looking for a segment to replace the recently deceased sausage segment. Last week (amongst much fanfare, I might add), I unveiled the Mandatory Mustache feature. Without further ado, let the cabbage begin!


What do you want? HEAD! What do you need? HEAD!

Here at the WIR, we aim to please. Who doesn’t like good head? Should this be the segment that gets the best feedback, you can get good head every week. Different heads of cabbage from around the globe will featured, including cabbage dishes, current crop reports, and a bevy of other information that will give you the heads up on heads of cabbage! How cool is that? I guess I’m about to find out! But I digress.

Mokadeth got a Hesh Trick to take the lead in Heshology. The up-to-the-minute standings:

FitzroyJamesDio and Mokadeth - 66 rungs (Fitz is ineligible to win due to having been the champ for September.)
DJDeath911 - 51 rungs
The Metal Master - 46 rungs
CALM - 39 rungs

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And now, back to Metal Master’s Weak in Review.

Fist-pumping arena rock indeed. But I digress.

We weren’t able to find out if CALM made any progress concerning his bowel movements, but he did win the Bitchin’ Flashback this week. CALM weaved a tale of sin and debauchery when as a 15-year old his parents left him alone for 2 weeks. He got laid numerous times by a nubile nymph during that time span, so the King played Motley Crue’s “Smoking in the Boys Room” to commemorate the event.


What the King was smoking in the boys room.

FitzroyJamesDio took the lead in Music-Rock.tv’s Hesh Trivia, as he earned his second joint for correctly answering a question concerning EnuffZNuff. Should Fitz hold on to his lead, he will win an autographed EnuffZNuff CD, courtesy of Music-Rock. For the second consecutive week, Diggs was not screwed, and controversy was averted. However, Diggs hasn’t answered in 2 weeks, so maybe he’s just given up on the idea. But I digress.


Allumeuse de Narghilé by Jean-Léon Gérome.

Only in the WIR can you get babes, bongs, and art history as a prelude to the awarding of the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak. Callisto was the proud recipient of the aforementioned award, as decided on by Queen Hesh. I wish I could give a good reason, but not even a caucus in the chatroom was able to solve that mystery. At any rate, congratulations to Callisto, who was kind of enough to comment. “Thanks. I am truly honored,” stated Callisto.

I’ve had enough of writing this crap for now. King Hesh has absolutely no appreciation of the time I spend doing this, otherwise I wouldn’t have to shame him into a thank you. It wouldn’t hurt to throw a CD or some other swag my way too, pal. And I don’t digress, King Pole Smoker.

Despite my misgivings about the sad working conditions and lack of appreciate here, I would be remiss if I didn’t give out LVRocks most eagerly-anticipated award, the Poseur of the Weak. You winner:



Wicked Cherry Radio earns the award for being the first affiliate to drop the show, citing low ratings. The station played the show at 10 AM, and then wonders why no one listened. Of course, my sympathy for our bumbling monarch is limited. If he did business with them like he does with me, no damn wonder they dropped the show.

I’m done with my weekly diatribe. Tune in next week to see if Queen Hesh will once again bare her fully formed flesh pillows, like she did last week! Tune in to see who will win Heshology and Hesh Trivia! Tune in to see if OBD is down with OPP!

This is your Poet Laureate and literary savant, The Metal Master, leaving you with something to ponder. Or not. C-YA!