09/18 - Sept. 17: I Wanna Be Sedated


(Kingdom of Hesh Wire Services) - It’s been 3 years and counting for King Hesh – The Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!). Whilst the self-proclaimed “experts” predicted a short shelf life for the show, it has lingered on like a rancid fart. Like a rash, the show has spread all over cyberspace, as it is now carried by 7 different affiliates. King Hesh is the turd that refuses to be flushed. He is the skid mark in your underwear. He is the enema of the metal world, unclogging the impure constipation that is nu metal and rap metal, while squeezing out nothing but the best music from the Era of Hair. But I digress. Hail to the King!


Just to be clear for the easily offended: the shirt says “Yoo-hoo”, not “Yahoo!”. You know who you are.

Guitarist Johnny Ramone of The Ramones joined band mates Joey Ramone and Dee Dee Ramone in taking a dirt nap after succumbing to prostate cancer this past week. Little known fact: Johnny was politically conservative, and cited Ronald Reagan as his favorite president. Tommy Ramone is the lone surviving member of the band. There’s no truth to the rumor that the band’s name has been changed to “The Ramone”. But I digress.

King Hesh served up another totally bitchin’ slew of tuneage. Not only did he play favorites by Skid Row, Ozzy Osbourne, and Metal Church, he went deep and spun chatroom requests for Bon Jovi, Great White, Wrathchild America, and S.O.D. The King also shocked me by playing “You’re All I Need” by Motley Crue. I used to ask for that one a lot during the Poontang Playlist, but gave up after months of trying. Way to go, King. Like a cheap whore, the King really puts out! But I digress.

As promised, former Poison and Mr. Big guitarist Richie Kotzen visited the Kingdom of Hesh.


The Mona Lisa.

What we learned about Richie Kotzen:

1) Richie was in his first band at 12 years of age.

2) Since being booted from Poison, Richie has only had meaningful dialogue with bassist Bobby Dall. Apparently, Rikki Rockett still hasn’t forgiven him for banging his old lady!

3) Richie replaced Paul Gilbert in Mr. Big from 1999-2002.

4) He got 1 out of 3 answers correct in Heshology.

5) For the ladies and gay men who read this column: Richie wouldn’t directly answer the Queen’s cock question in inches. However, he did say that his penis was equal to the length of his palm to the end of his middle finger. He must’ve been really bored during a sound check one day. But I digress.

6) Richie, like Robert Sweet, gave King Hesh praise concerning his interview. “[This was] the most unique freestyle interview I’ve ever done,” stated Kotzen.



Special thanks to Richie for taking the time to hang with all of the Hesh-A-Lites. Don’t forget to check out Richie’s new CD, entitled “Get Up”!

Speaking of “Get Up”, King Hesh gave away a copy of it to the first person that called in. Just who was that person, you ask? None other than your humble scribe, The Metal Master. I get nothing for doing this WIR, but it just goes to show that if you tune in, you can win something!

The winning didn’t stop there. LVRocks’ founder, web guru, and all-around nice fuckin’ guy Jimmy Diggs earned a joint for correctly answering the Music-Rock.tv trivia question. Should he have the most joints by the end of the month, Diggs will win an autographed Funny Money CD from Music-Rock!


Jimmy Diggs during his Metal Reigns audition. Note the menacing facial hair. RESPECT!

FitzroyJamesDio dominated Heshology again, as he produced his second Hesh Trick in a row. Mokadeth is 24 rungs behind in second place, while yours truly is 27 rungs in arrears. Up for grabs this month is Lita Ford’s self-titled CD!

This is the point in the WIR where your stomach starts rumbling. Nothing can satisfy those hunger pangs quite like the succulent, sweet, and spicy taste of sausage. Let’s get to the Loyal Sausage Page Update!


Safe sex.

I regret to inform you that it’s still once big sausage party on the Loyal Subjects Page. Ladies, please send your photos to be posted. We’re even willing to waive the “loyal” part. You don’t even have to listen to the show. After all, Caz has only shown up 5 times in 3 years, and he’s pictured there!


Mokadeth? King Hesh alleges that he took this picture of Mok during their stay at the Blue Moon Gay Resort. Mok, maybe you should post your picture on the Loyal Sausage Page and set the record straight, dude. Pun intended.

And now, a word from our sponsor.

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King Hesh, uncompensated endorser.

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And now, back to Metal Master’s Weak in Review.

Diggs made a salient point in the chatroom about King Hesh, in that the King no longer denies being gay. He doesn’t even fight it. The truth will set you free indeed. But I digress.


Don’t forget to register to vote for the upcoming presidential election.

I must admit al-Sahaf’s foreign policy stances are a bit sketchy. But then again, so are John Kerry’s. But I digress.


Oh, the possibilities.

Does anyone know if someone was awarded the Killer Bong Rip of the Weak? I sure as hell don’t remember. I used to be able to cheat by looking on the Hesh website. Unfortunately for your humble scribe, that section hasn’t been updated for a month. However, I do remember that Queen Hesh told her ambitiously lame Bad Joke of the Weak. Plus, the Queen bared her titanic teats, teasing and twisting her nipples, much to the delight of the Assembled Masses.

Yes, I know this WIR is short. But then again, so are life, Crusher, and my compensation for writing this. But I digress. Let’s get to LVRocks’ most coveted award, the Poseur of the Weak!


Time to retire, Dan.

Dan Rather earned this very special POTW for being duped into using fake documents as the basis for his story concerning President George W. Bush’s National Guard service. While I don’t think Rather did it on purpose, I do believe that his own political ideology prevented him from thoroughly checking his sources. It’s pretty obvious to me that he wanted the story to be true, and his zeal for breaking the story outweighed any journalistic integrity. Dan, quit bullshitting the American public, own up to your mistake, and do better the next time.

I feel better now. Tune in next week to see if FitzroyJamesDio gets his third Hesh Trick in a row! Tune in to see if the King will give Diggs any props! Tune in to see if Mokadeth finally posted his picture on the Loyal Sausage Page!

This is you official court reporter, the Poe of Poet Laureates, the Plato of penmanship, the most humble egotist on the planet, The Metal Master, reporting live from Hesh Corporate Headquarters. YOU ROCK! C-YA!