09/5 - Sept 3: To Hell With the SFN


(Kingdom of Hesh Wire Services) - Hear ye! Hear ye! All rise! Hail to King Hesh, a most generous benefactor of the bong, the monarch of metal, and our most excellent ruler of the Kingdom of Hesh! God save the King! This is your Poet Laureate, The Metal Master, and I’m here to notate the numerous goings on in the Kingdom of Hesh. So sit down in a comfortable chair, indulge in a pleasurable libation, and pack your pipe with the finest leaf available. This is Metal Master’s Weak in Review!


Don’t forget to check out “Men in Back II”, starring world-famous self-love advocate Mike Vod.

King Hesh delivered yet another incredible show. He let the music do the talking during such segment as the Thrashing Threesome, the Poontang Playlist, and Mandatory Maiden. Between segments, the King played classic tunes from the Era of Hair from such titans as Quiet Riot, Lita Ford, Def Leppard, Pantera, Cinderella, and Slayer.

The King also delivered a bevy of requests. After 2 months of blasting the King in the chatroom, in this very WIR, and on the message board, he finally played “Holding on Forever” by Bonham for me. Persistence does pay off! If anyone else in the Kingdom of Hesh is having a problem getting a request played, just e-mail me and I’ll be sure to give the King grief about it here. Just another reason to be a loyal reader of the WIR!


Mokadeth, the Court Custodian, hard at work cleaning the floors in the King’s art gallery.

King Hesh gets no respect. Last week he did a killer two-part interview with Robert Sweet, Stryper’s visual timekeeper. However, those at the Stryper Fan Network were less than impressed. Here are some quotes from the critics at SFN, and my comments:

RichRoxx - “The guys doing the interview was lame. Every other word he said was "dude". If Robert wasn't on there I wouldn't have been able to sit through it.” COMMENT: First of all, there weren’t “guys” doing the interview, dude. There was only one dude, dude. Get your facts straight. Second, even Robert complimented the King on some of the questions he asked, dude. And third of all, you have a gay name, dude. So fuck off, dude.

rivethead - ”I agree with Rich. How did this Hesh guy get his own show? Robert was engaging as always, but Hesh asked the lamest questions ever.” COMMENT: No big surprise you agree with your beloved Administrator on SFN. Sheep are more independently minded than you are. King Hesh got his own show because he’s worked his ass off to get it…both literally and figuratively. But I digress.

RichRoxx - ”No offense to King Hesh, but we tend to expect intelligent interviews. NOT, Bill & Teds [sic.] Bogus Interviews. Sorry, I thought it was lame. That does not mean anyone here is a bad/sour fan, just definitely not a fan of King Hesh.” COMMENT: How many times are you and your sheep going to use the word “lame”, dude? You use “lame” more than King Hesh uses “dude”, dude. We in the Kingdom of Hesh tend to expect intelligent posts, dude, but alas, that wasn’t forthcoming from your bitter brain, dude. Did you pray before you made that post, dude? You obviously didn’t pray before you came up with your message board handle, dude. It’s a very gay name, dude, and you saw what God did to Sodom and Gomorrah, dude. Repent before the same happens to you, dude.


The Stryper Fan Network – totally lame, dudes. The band deserves better.

What a kind and forgiving lot that is. Kudos to Loyal Subject FitzroyJamesDio for going on SFN and preaching to the heathens there! Fitz had to endure the Administrators (specifically Stryped Wolf 777) editing his posts, plus suffered the indignity of numerous threats, warnings and rebukes! RESPECT for Fitz! No respect for the SFN Administrators.

This week, the King did a two-part interview was Quiet Riot axeman Carlos Cavazo.


Surely a great moment in Carlos’ career.

What we learned about Carlos Cavazo and Quiet Riot:

1) Carlos started playing guitar when he was 9.

2) “Snow” was the name of his pre-Quiet Riot band.

3) Jeff Beck, Michael Schenker, and Jimi Hendrix were Carlos’ guitar heroes.

4) A Quiet Riot reunion is not outside the realm of possibility.

Carlos should be thankful that Queen Hesh wasn’t there to ask her patented penis question! According to Donna Anderson on Metal Sludge’s Penis chart, Carlos comes up a little short! Here’s her quote:

Not only a very sloppy and boring lay, but he is very, very, very small. There is no riot going on in his pants.

Surely not a great moment in Carlos’ career. But I digress. Special thanks to Carlos Cavazo for spending time in the Kingdom of Hesh with us. He had nothing to sell or promote, so it was very cool of him to hang out!

I know, I know. My bloviating gets old after a while. However, I also know that my loyal readership never gets tired of sausage! Time to check out what’s going on in the Loyal Sausage Page Update!


RichRoxx and friends.

As my rather graphic photo illustrates, the Loyal Sausage Page is devoid of any females. We need some doughnuts to break up this sausage party. Ladies, if you’re truly metal, you’ll submit a picture to post on the page with all speed! While we can’t guarantee that Mike Vod won’t be soaking your picture with loads of Vod Shots, at least it’s his monitor and not your actual picture that will suffer the indignity. But I digress.

And now, a word from our sponsor.

This synopsis of King Hesh – The Hair Apparent (and Queen Hesh!) is brought you by one of King Hesh’s favorite websites, Speedo, Sausage, and Mullet!



King Hesh, uncompensated endorser.

Awwwwwwwriiiiiiight, duuuuuuuudes! King Hesh has found yet another totally bitchin’ sponsor, dudes! Go to the Sausage, Speedo, and Mullet website, dudes! This website is dedicated to the celebration of the age-old traditions of Speedos, sausage, and mullets, dudes. There are a lot of websites out there today that highlight one of these three fabled traditions, but this website is dedicated to the celebration of the coexistence of all three, dudes. This is for your enjoyment and pleasure only, dudes. The strapping young men, sausages, and mullets contained in the pictures on this website are all real, straight, and have not been digitally altered, dudes. You too can have your photos featured on this site, dudes! RichRoxx, rivethead, and Stryped Wold 777 are also members, dudes!

And now, back to Metal Master’s Weak in Review.

Maybe those drunken bums on street corners who hold “The End is Near” signs aren’t too far off the mark. But I digress.

For once I have some exciting Heshology news to report.

FitzroyJamesDio scored a Hesh Trick, beating defending champ Mokadeth by 3 rungs! Way to go, Fitz! RESPECT! Fitz won Blue Murder’s classic eponymous CD, which will be delivered free of charge to his door in Australia. Fitz is now automatically entered into the year-end Tournament of Heshness!

Here at the WIR, we take great pride in our investigative journalism. You can see the Assembled Masses on the Loyal Subjects page. However, many of you have been inquiring into the Hesh secret society, otherwise known as the Assembled Asses. You wanted to know more about the King’s inner circle, and our staff photographer has delivered the goods!


From left to right: Stryped Wolf 777, RichRoxx, rivethead, Loyal Listener Caz, Mike Vod, and King Hesh.

I report. You decide. But I digress.

Hesh Trivia, sponsored by Music-Rock, was a bummer for your Poet Laureate this week. Due to my overwhelming success last month in having won the signed Helix CD, I have been banned from participating! That’s unmitigatedly flagitious, my good friends. But I digress. I’m sure someone correctly answered the trivia question this week, but his or her name escapes me at the present moment. I’m sure some Hesh-A-Lite will refresh my memory on the message board.


”I can use this bong in ways you never dreamed of.”

Regulars to this column know what time it is. The Killer Bong Rip of the Weak went to former Dum Luck scribe DynoDon!

Don earned the rip for participating in the chatroom for the whole show for the first time in ages. Don is going to need as many bong rips as he can get this football season, as it looks like another season of futility for the San Diego Chargers. But I digress. Great to have you back, Don, and hopefully, your schedule will permit you to regularly join us in the future!

It’s time for me to head for the mountains and grab a Busch. However, it just wouldn’t be a WIR without yours truly naming the Poseur of the Weak. It was an easy choice, as the winners lapped the field and annihilated the competition. Without further ado, your winners are RichRoxx, rivethead, Stryped Wolf 777, and anyone else that thinks like them on the Stryper Fan Network!


RichRoxx, rivethead, Stryped Wolf 777, and friends enjoying each other’s company.

That’s enough time wasted on those losers. Let’s focus on a real winner. Everyone please give a warm welcome to our new affiliate, Wicked Cherry Radio!



What a week! One can only guess what surprises will be in store for the next show. Tune in next time to see if anyone from the Quiet Riot camp has an issue with the King’s interview! Tune in to see if the Hesh Terrorist Network will invade the Kingdom of Hesh! Tune in to see Queen Hesh’s hooters! She’s back after 2 weeks of undercover duty as Agent DD, so she should have some interesting tales to tell!

This is yours truly, the Duke of Digression, the Shakespeare of the Hesh show, your Poet Laureate, simply the most electrifying man on LVRocks today, reminding you to remember the time you spent here this week. Thanks to all who listen, all who chat, all who participate on the message board, and all who read this WIR. You rock! C-YA!